Imperfect Perfection

You know what?  I am NOT perfect. Surprise!  Yet, one of my personal struggles is with the character defect of perfectionism. I could even go so far to say that it is a sin, but I don’t know that I chose so much to act this way as it is a natural bent that has plagued my Type A, constantly pushing for the best, way of doing things.

Either way I see it as both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand I can say that this perfectionism has given me the “eye” for detail. I can generally tell with a quick glance if something is amiss, awry or off-kilter. This especially comes in handy when I am rendering a drawing or painting that is realistic. It also gives those I work for the assurance that I am going to give great attention to the accuracy and detail of a job. I am by nature highly motivated, driven to do the best I can, and determined to see a task through to the end.

So what’s the downside? I am the most critical of my own work. It was so bad when I was younger that I couldn’t keep any of my own paintings because I would look at it and see something that was a bit off or could have been done better. As a runner, I would always strive to go further, go faster. As a daughter, wife or friend I would do everything to be the “best”.  Oh, I was what some would call an overachiever, a competitor that didn’t know when to quit. Why? Because, I felt that my best was NEVER good enough.

It was in college, working for the Department of Graphic Communications Chair (he was also a perfectionist) that I learned a bit of a trick in fighting this troubling trait. He told me, “If the client likes it, it is good enough.”  Never mind that you think it would be better this way, in these colors or whatever. If my job is to produce a piece that the client likes, then the moment he says “that’s good,” it IS good. Period.

Wow!  What a revelation. Just by proclaiming something good, it IS good. There really is such a thing as “Good Enough”.  What a concept.

As I am currently struggling with some physical challenges right now, I have been forced to look at the increased frustrations and disappointment associated with the realization that I simply cannot do what “normal” people can expect to do. Nor, even, what I could do myself in years previous. I am starting to have those thoughts of not measuring up. Maybe those who used to love me will tire of me and discard me as “a problem” or “broken” and unable to be “fixed”.

However, these are feelings that I cannot trust. These feelings would have me believe that I am what I do; that it is my performance that determines my worth. You know what I am learning? (Not that I have attained a full working degree of mastery here, yet).  I am learning that these thoughts based on feeling are untrustworthy. Lies!

My value really is not based on what I can or cannot do. It is not based on quotas of projects completed, grades, money earned or invested. It is not based on if my hair is styled just so, or if I am wearing the latest clothing fashion. My value is not even determined on if my husband or child is pleased with my cooking or even if they are angry with me.

No. None of that is the real basis of my value. What I believe to be true as I study my Bible (if only my feelings would grasp that truth more) is that my value comes not from what I DO, or to what degree of perfection I perform, but from WHOSE I am.

I believe wholeheartedly in the Truth of God’s Word which declares I am a child of God. He loved me even when I was at my all time, absolute, disgustingly worst. When I came to acknowledge my absolute inability to even approach anywhere near a degree of perfection when it came to dealing with such an awesome and Holy God, I all but melted away.

It was then, at my most imperfect, that God lifted my face to look into His. He invited my broken spirit to be mended by His Holy Spirit.  He let the love of Jesus Christ do the perfecting for me. WOW!!

Right now, as I struggle related to chronic pain, fatigue and even Foreign Accent Syndrome I must face the fact that these are major hurdles that are guaranteed to keep me from normal goals of excellence. In working with these difficulties  I am finding that nasty old bent toward perfectionism rearing it’s ugly head again. This time, thanks to God’s promises which sustain me, I am learning to say, “Yes. I am a failure. Yes, I have messed up. Yes, I cannot do this under my own power.”

These very thoughts that in the past were used to try to depress me to the point of being totally ineffective are now the very same thoughts that I can accept and answer. “Though each one of those accusations is true. All those imperfections are present in me…but..’I AM doing my best. And (here is the real gem)… GOD LOVES ME ANYWAY!”

This really is too wonderful for me to understand. It is not by denying my failures, or pretending they do not exist, that I find peace. Rather, it is by embracing the fact that it is despite my imperfections that I can enjoy the bliss of perfect love and acceptance of my Blessed Savior.  SELAH.

Do you know this peace too? It really is perfect.

More Than Lip Service

This last week I have had a few more noticeable set-backs. As the clouds and wind build while we enter the Autumn season, there is more cold, dry air and pressure changes and less sunlight. All of this is the “perfect storm” of symptom exasperation when it comes to chronic pain and fatigue.

What I have also been learning is that it seems to also make my foreign accent much harder to correct. Prosody (word order) as well as pronunciation and word finding ability all suffer when I am more tired.

It is also notable that when I do not spend the day talking to myself (to the amusement of the dog and parrot, I’m sure) while my family is away most of the day, I find that my speech is MUCH worse when they get home.

I have recently made a renewed commitment to reading through my Bible over the entire year and am in Isaiah and 1 Timothy. I also use that time to read aloud and let the foreign accent show it’s full force as I read scripture. The FAS naturally adds a different feeling while reading as the emotions are different as the accent adds a unique flavor which is way different than my usual speech used to be. My speech therapist says that the reading aloud is good for helping create new neuro-pathways as well.  It’s a win/win!

The adage, “practice makes perfect,” may not really apply here, however, practicing out loud is how I actually hear the processing of the words and am then able to note it, work on it with some tricks to more closely correctly pronounce it, repeat and then move on.

Here is an example:  The word: people.  When I pronounce this word, it comes out naturally sounding like Pee–poo0.  I remember Terri Stacey actually giggled at that one.  The ‘l” sound just won’t hop into the right place at all. So I developed a trick. When I say the word “people,” I think about being behind an apartment door when someone rings the bell. I look through the PEEP-hole to see the people! By visualizing this trick, I can say PEEPhole and it more closely resembles “people”.  It seems like a lot of work, but it does work for me.

Then there is my “POOL” / “PULL”/  “POLE” –trick.  When I tried to say “pull,” it natually would come out Poo-wel.  So in order to say the sentence “Please pull the door open,”  I now FIRST say in my head pool/pole/pull… the two extremes of the vowel plus “L” sounds help me then settle into the middle sound which is the correct one I want.

Today I worked on the word “SCHOOL” which had a very similar pronunciation, but was much harder for me to develop a trick for. I finally settled on this: when I know I’m about to say “School,” I substitute “SK-wool”, while barely even touching the “w”.  I envision a sheep which has a price scanning SKU on it. SK-wool.  “Where are you going to school?” Weird huh?

Though there is a LOT of processing happening as I try to “fix” the pronunciation of words, the stress given them within the syllables of the word and within the words of a sentence, I am in affect, developing “tricks” to use on the tricky words (those that give me the most trouble). I joked with a friend at church, I sometimes feel like I’m a walking Tower of Babel.

However, that tower was built as a testament to what God could do and it was God who created the different tongues so that the people were forced to scatter. I find with this Foreign Accent Syndrome affliction of mine, people actually flock to me. People continue to ask the question “where are you from?” and make the statements “I love your accent. I could listen to you talk all day.”  The gatherings that come to me allow me to testify. This is what Foreign Accent Syndrome looks like in me. Then I sing a tiny bit, so that they hear my “real” voice. The jaws drop. Then, while their mind is open to the wonders that they just witnessed, the door is wide open for me to share with them how we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.”

More than ever before, I see how I MUST work to correct my pronunciation of the word “people,” because it is people I want to reach. I am learning, it is not so much the pronunciation that is a hinderance, it’s that I might not say anything at all to another person about the good news of the Gospel and the glorious hope that there is right now. It is not so important HOW I say it or about my fear of what the other person might think of me. What’s most important is that there is something of great value to communicate, so don’t wait. Who doesn’t want to receive an encouraging word and a smile? Or a nod and a statement like “oh, I’m sorry for your trouble,” or “I care about you. How can I help?”

Take My Life

I have chronic pain and chronic fatigue which means I quite often am not allowed by my body to do what “normal” people can do. I understand what the apostle Paul said about buffeting his body, as I regularly must force myself to keep moving when my body literally wants to shut down. Lately, the fatigue has really brought my daily functioning to a prolonged low.

I’m reminded that God uses even me as a “weaker vessel”. Not that I would chose to be weak and unable to be more productive by man’s standards. No way! Like the Apostle Paul asking to have his “thorn in the flesh” removed, God has chosen to not miraculously remove my affliction. Maybe it is to protect me from the sin of pride through accomplishment in my own power. Whatever the reason, I have seen how God can use me this way; flaws and all.  For I KNOW it is nothing that I am bringing to the table. It is truly ALL God.

As it says in the Bible: 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NASB)  ⁹And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness ” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.¹⁰Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

One of my all-time favorite attitude adjuster verses is Phil.4:8-9.
“Whatever things a true, honorable, righteous, pure, lovely, of good repute, excellent or worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.”
I do hope I quoted that correctly, I have memorized it by using the memory minder “THoRP L GREWP”.

So, when I get discouraged by a situation, or set of circumstances, I purpose in my heart to look for the good. It IS there somewhere. I run through the list and go treasure hunting.

I want to end today’s post with some words from a favorite hymn called Take My Life and Let It Be “Take my life and let it be; consecrated, Lord, t0 Thee. Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise, let them flow in ceaseless praise.

I may not have much, but what I do have is all yours, Lord!