A Little Birdy Told Me
Well, a not-so-little Patagonia Conure parrot actually told me to hang in there. This post surgery pain has GOT to let up soon. Oliver, the bird, actually jumped off of his cage, waddled down the hallway, climbed up the sheets and onto my shoulder. He was concerned about me and new that the Spirit the wonder dog had kept coming in here to see me.
Therefore, not to be outdone, Oliver made the extra effort to show that dogs are not the only loyal pets in this household.
You can see other flickr photos of my pets’ bedside manners by clicking here.
Big Pain with Ultimate Gain
Okay, so I really thought that surgery number thirty-nine last February would be that last one I’d need in a long time. However, at my last ortho follow-up, my doctor and I discussed the need for another minor surgery. This one would be required on my “good” (right) foot.
You see, due to all the surgeries on my left (leg, ankle, foot, fusions, staples, screws and metal rod, etc….) biomechanics make me walk oddly across my right foot. Over time my big toe started turning more to cross over my other toes and metatarsal bone started shifting position.
So this surgery required opening from above, aligning the metatarsal bone with the others, and then taking another wedge of bone from big toe bones. That’s right… with my surgeon’s talent… I will now be straightened out and fly…. um, er, … “walk” right. LOL
Surgery is over, and the healing begins. Since I am allergic to pain meds it makes it a painful process, but I have gotten great relief from the surgically placed pain block (now worn off) and some morpheine. The few pills they did give me for take home are helping for now, tho’ the itchiness is building. Eventually, the rash reaction will outweigh the benefit of the pain and I’ll stop taking it. Hopefully, I can endure for the first three worst pain days.
I am therefore back on my crutches. My good ol’ friends that help hold me up as I heal. These are the original ones I got 21 years ago when all of this started. Faithfulness is the word. If these things had an odometer on them like a vehicle, they would have tripped over the 100,000 miles mark at least 4 times. : P
However, upon leaving the hospital yesterday, I was issued a new “boot” as I have now worn out my second one to shreds. I usually resole, put on new velcro and keep going. This new boot is more hard-shell plastic so will probably last even longer w/o shredding the neoprene and velcro of the fabric. It is a more visible light gray color instead of the black that I am used to. Which means I’m gonna have a harder time disguising it. Oh well, que sera.
Thanks to my Loving God, I can still celebrate walking with Him, even when I am not walking — think about it. My soul can dance even while I am on crutches. Time to heal or is it heel? LOL
No Voice! No Choice!
Wow! My husband Steve and I have just emerged from one of the worst bouts of flu virus that we’ve had in a long while. He complained of a sore throat a week ago Thursday and then did the unthinkable. He actually came home early from work on Friday because he was so ill. The sore throat took away the voice. The fever and aches made one miserable. To top it off, the lethargy robbed us of any productivity.
Our full-time job became taking care of one another. Whoever went to the kitchen brought back a cup of tea with honey, chicken noodle soup, or Gatorade for the other. Mutual suffering, it was pathetically romantic. As I was about a day and a half later in coming down with this virus, I am the last to get back to 100%, nonetheless, I am at a good 90% tonight. If God blesses me with another hard night of sleep, I believe that I will “come into His house with singing” [Psalm 100] tomorrow morning as we celebrate the Lord’s Day at Gray Road. Tomorrow is our special Thanksgiving celebration at the church. So it feels even better to get to go with revitalized health.
This week without being able to use my voice, much at all, gave me a lot of “quiet time”. It was truly frustrating to not be able to just call up friends or family, or as I had to croak over the phone when my husband called from work. It made me think about how very much I am thankful for the voice that God has given me. How much I have taken it for granted. Those of you who really know me, know that I am rarely at a loss for words and am very creative at drawing word pictures and illustrations when communicating. So having this “fountain” shut down for the week went from being just pure pain and frustration, to an unexpected opportunity for me to “be still and know that He is God.”
Without my voice, I was unable to ask questions. That was weird. It seems that I am a very curious person who is always wanting more details and understanding. Okay. So I learned to just accept it as it is. Don’t question it. Take it as it’s presented. If I don’t understand it, well, then, maybe it’s not important that I do so. Let it roll. Whatever… next!
Therefore, the lesson I learned this week with no voice:
No Choice with No Voice but to listen to that which is presented, and just accept it, as is, or NOT. I have the choice to either file it away for later inquiries, or just toss it aside. I don’t HAVE to understand every little thing. That’s a freedom that I didn’t realize that I needed to experience which came to me through the imprisonment of my voice for a week. All in all, a pretty short trial for such a valuable insight.
Miracle on My Motorcyle
September 17, 1987 is a special date on the calendar for me. You see, it was 21 years ago today that my life took a major hit. While driving our Kawasaki 550 motorcycle I was broadsided by the car of a young lady performing an illegal U-turn. My life as I had known it (had planned) would never be the same.
It was just before the impact and I was waiting for morning rush hour traffic to clear from one of the two major one-way streets located at the end of my commute to work in beautiful Santa Barbara, California. I knew that I had to wait a few moments more before the traffic cleared. So I took the opportunity to shoot up a praise to God. “What a gorgeous morning it is Father. There is not a single cloud in the sky.” Additionally I am going to be early for work, and I am excelling at my job.
Looking back on that moment now, I realize that was the last minute in which I had no chronic pain in my life. I really do forget what that felt like. Perhaps God answered me with ” Oh sure, you think it’s beautiful and hunky dory now, but let’s just see what you think in a minute.” I believe that in Heaven, God was gathering the angels to watch what was going to happen next.
After crossing the intersection, I noticed that a car traveling in the opposite direction quickly pulled along the opposite curb as it going to park. But then it happened. The sudden impact broadsided me full force as the black bumper of the Civic instantly crushed my Left Ankle. I found myself startled (WHAT just happened), in great pain as my foot was hit by the car then pushed off the peg, and dragging along the pavement. On top of all that, my head was wizzing by the bumpers of cars parked on my side of the street as I was still moving forward although at an angle of a track bike (like the GT racers we just saw here in Indy).
I jerked with all my might to keep from going down. All the while it occurred to me that I am now driving on the wrong side of the street (from jerking up), my foots dragging, and I must stop in just a few yards BEFORE I enter the intersection with the other major one-way street. AAAAAAH!
This is where I testify to the miracle on my motorcycle. God was at work greatly in my life. He got me to stop the motorcycle before getting hit again. I did NOT go down even though broadsided. I think part of the credit for that goes to the fact that I raced bicycles at Major Taylor Velodrome and in racing class and training we would purposefully jam our bicycles into each other to learn how to avoid wrecks and react to unexpected pedal in your spokes.
Once I had managed to stop the forward movement of the cycle, I was standing there with both hand squeezing the calipers on the handlebar (clutch and brake). I was managing to stay balanced on my one right leg, but it was heavy and my other foot was mangled. What was worse is that I couldn’t shift the cycle into neutral because it would have been done by my useless left foot. I was stuck there!!
Just then, a VERY pregnant woman came up the sidewalk to help me. I remember thinking that the gutteral screams that came out of me were not very feminine (surprised that I sounded like a guy) and that I could even scare her away if I didn’t quiet them.
She came up to me and saw that I had a problem, but couldn’t hear me very well through the running of the motorcycle and due to the fact that the visor of my full face helmet was down. So she was fumbling around trying to undo my helmet. I swallowed all screams of pain and yelled, “PUT… the KICKSTAND…. DOWN!” Once she did that, I killed the bike by turning off the key with the assurance of the kickstand there to keep me from falling over.
I took off my helmet and looked down at my foot. It looked like the ends of two of my toes were missing and I knew that my ankle foot was broken. The lady had called the police and ambulance and wanted to help me to the sidewalk. I initially declined since she looked like she would deliver her baby if she lifted half of my weight. However the incessant throbbing convinced me that I should accept her offer.
We managed to get me to the sidewalk, a couple of very painful steps, and then I was down. Only then did I see that the only damage to the motorcycle was to the left case guard that helps protect the engine… a $50 part!! Another miracle.
Yes, God saw to it that I did not go down, that I had NO other damage to my body other than my left knee, leg, ankle and foot. Do you realize that if I had gone down I wouldn’t have been able to even use crutches?
May I just say something about crutches. When I am using them I get the “oh, you poor thing” look from everyone. Others using crutches say, ‘don’t you just HATE having to use crutches?” My answer is a resounding “NO.” I love these crutches. This is the original pair and if they had an odometer on them it would have tripped over the 100,000 mile mark about three times. I don’t know what I would have done without them.
When I am on crutches I can really move!! Just ask my friends. Unfortunately, right now I am recovering from a shoulder injury and can’t use them yet. So I appreciate them all the more, because without their use I am much more limited. Still I do have the famous “black boot” that I can throw on when I am expecting to be “slammin’” (on my feet or walking a lot). Again, I get the looks and the questions “what happened, did you have another surgery?”
I know that people are generally caring and tend to think that injuries are supposed to get better. But the sad fact is that some of us are never going to recover from our injuries. Not in this lifetime anyway. These appliances (crutches, canes, boots, funny shoes) are just our ways to cope in the meantime. To try to live a productive life in spite of the physical challenges.
I now joke that I have been through probably about a dozen sets of guardian angels. They draw lots up there to NOT have to get me as a client.
Almost half of my life has now been in constant pain.
As a competitive long distance runner I used to just push through the pain. No pain, no gain, right? Maybe so, but you will notice that I don’t run anymore. I can’t. If it’s an emergency or something I can lope along with the understanding that I will have to pay a physical price. I’ll be “lame” for a few days, and have to go back to using my crutches.
Worse than that, I often don’t realize that I’m overdoing until after it is too late. Again because my way of dealing with pain was to mentally ’shove it aside’, I use a kind of self-hypnosis that worked well for me as an athlete, but that can do damage to me now.
Since I am allergic to almost all pain medicines, I can take none. So I really am in constant pain every moment I am awake. But there are a couple of coping skills that I have learned that work for me. Music is the biggest one. When I sing or play, it is a painkiller for me. It helps that I like to sing praises to God with our church worship team and jam on mandolin and guitar with friends. That’s why you’ll hear me turn almost any sentence into the lyric and break out into song.
Another painkiller is laughter. My friends help me with this one. Laughter is the best medicine is tried and true. I know that depression is just a natural outcome when someone is dealing with chronic anything. There are chemical things happening in the brain with seratonin and endorphins and such. Since I am unable to be as physically active as I was as an athlete it’s even more important that I laugh. Like exercise, laughter increases the endorphins; the body’s natural pain killers.
So that is why when you first meet me you may think that I am very silly. I am learning to roll with the punches and not take things too seriously. I realize that things could ALWAYS be worse. And, in many people’s cases, they are. However, I also realize that no matter what happens it is all under God’s control.
Let God be God: get out of the way.
So my plans to be a nurse practitioner were trashed, as were the ability to participate in a lot of the exercises and sports competitions that I enjoyed. Now I have a permanent disability that prevents me from enjoying the life I wanted to live. Besides the walking, standing, foot down time and distance limitations, I have the physical drain of the constant pain. Think about it, when you are in pain you get tired more easily, don’t you. I think part of that is from swallowing down the pain, not expressing it through some means. The other problem is the emotional drain. Frustration of not being able to do what I once did, it’s never going to get better than this, the extra time that adaptability methods require. It just takes more time to do things.
For me, with my bent toward perfectionism, I need to get rid of the “would have,” “could have,” “should have” statements. It just is what it is. I am not God. I am learning more and more the importance of the Serenity Prayer:
“God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change [past, not in my control], Courage to change the things I can [focus on what I CAN do, and learn new ways to adapt], and the Wisdom to know the difference.”
Over the last 21 years, I have learned a lot. I would not have chosen these events. But I now see where God was in control the entire time. “I know the plans I have for you…. plans for hope and a future,” is what God tells me in Isaiah. It is not the path that I would have willingly chosen for myself… motorcycle crash, crushed leg, 31 surgeries, pain and disappointments…. “sure, sign me up.” Nonetheless, I am blessed beyond measure. I have become a stronger person who is learning to take my value less from what I do and more for Who’s I am.
I joke about the fact that with so many surgeries and stuff, the guardian angels have to draw lots in hopes of not getting me as an assignment. I’m sure I have worn out at least a dozen sets. I know that like Paul, God has allowed me to be molded through trials. That if I hadn’t had all this happen TO me, because He cares FOR me, I would probably have been a prideful, arrogant, competitive jerk. So when the trumpet sounds, get ready to eat my dust… cause I’m going to be running into glory!
But for now, I’m going to keep on placing my faith in Him and do my best to help others to meet my Saviour so that they can come with me. You wanna come???
Leg Work: a bit of bone surgery
The 21st of February, the very day after I turned 46, I had my 31st surgery. God has been good to me in that I made it through another one.
This was the easiest surgery I’ve ever had on my leg. Dr. Karl Raynor went in and removed 2″ from my left distal fibula (smaller lower leg bone) and the internal bone stimulator that was placed in there when my ankle was totally fused in May of 2006.
You can see the wires sticking out of where the devise had been. See that sharp bone sticking out of the back of the leg? That is the place to which my fibula was cut this time (where some tendon attach). It was about 2″ longer but had grown toward the tibia to try to make a pseudo-joint which was causing unbearable bone pain for me.
The wires from the bone stim were wrapped around the ankle area along with some bone removed from my fibula to help attain a solid fusion. Though the bone stim is supposed to stimulate bone growth in the area where the wires are located, apparently some EMFs encouraged some bone growth at the end of my fibula that we didn’t want.
You can see that I have a metal rod and a couple of long screws that bind things together. It looks rather robotic on xray, but kind of nasty in real life. I have a crookedy lower left leg with no outer ankle protrusion at all. It’s flat and majorly scarred.
Still . . . I have my own leg and foot. I even have most of my sensory nerve functions so that I feel thing with that foot which is amazing given all that it’s been through.
I joke with people who can’t believe how many surgeries I’ve survived by saying, ” When God does finally take me home, it will probably be from an infection from a paper cut or something small like that.”
Seriously, the prayers of my friends have helped sustain me through everything. It is especially important since I am allergic to all the main pain medications.
I went into surgery at about 11 a.m.. My nurse’s name was also Ellen (43 y.o.) and she also likes to long distance run. Therefore she understood when I said I take the pain and push it aside like when you are waiting for your “second wind”. Still the different people including the anesthesiologist found it hard to believe that I was not taking anything for the intense pain.
I came out of surgery in record time and was very talkative even before I could open my eyes. I heard Dr. Summers (the anesthesiologist) check on me before he left. I asked him to please give us some “Summer” weather. It was a bad joke, but he laughed anyway.
At 1 p.m. I was home in my own bed! The nerve block that they gave me in surgery worked so well that I felt no bone pain, just sharp cut of the incision. The On-Q Pain med ball was in place to drip Marcaine right into the surgical site, and was a godsend for the three days it worked!
With my leg elevated in the wheelchair, I am finally able to get back to my computer to catch up (if that’s EVEN possible) with all the things I need to attend to. [Yes, I ended that sentence with a preposition because that's how I would speak naturally].
Currently, I am using lydocaine pain patches next to the incision for 12 hours a day to help with the pain. I am to be non-weightbearing until at least Monday when I get the stitches out.
The most frustrating thing is that I can’t do housework that I want, cook supper, or be much help around here. AND I am lonely, since I am unable to go out just yet. Thank God for phone calls and book reading, cause there’s hardly anything worth watching on TV.
Well, I’m gonna call it quits for this post. I’ll just be “kickin’ back” and recovering for a bit.
Now What?
Surgery Again??
Yes, that’s right. Thursday, Feb. 21 (the day after I turn 46) I will have my 31st surgery. (sigh). Dr. Karl Raynor is going to go in and remove some more bone and the bone stimulator (looks like AA battery with a bunch of wires coming from it).
I found out Tuesday that there is a reason for the tremendous pain I am having in my leg/ankle/foot. The tip of the fibula (smaller lower leg bone) which had been cut off at a sharp angle is growing into the tibia (larger lower leg bone) trying to form a pseudojoint.
What does all that mean? P-A-I-N!!!
It’s been over 3 weeks of constant Level 8 pain with spikes of “drop me to my knees” 9.5! I don’t ever use the 10, because I think it can ALWAYS be worse.
The last month of increasing pain has been hard on me, and my family as I can not do as much as I used to. So I am glad that I will be having the surgery soon.
The Battlefield of the Mind
I remember the first battleline decision: I must put myself on the crutches again. My “stinkin’ thinkin’” would have me believe that this would be proof that I am a failure; that I am weak and feeble; going backwards instead of forward.
My pain management tools are starting to kick in, as I reminded myself that I need to take care of my body and forget about what others may think or say about me being back on crutches. Once the decision was made, I just did it!
My frustration grew as my “to do list” had more and more things left unchecked at the end of the day. My house became more and more disorganized and neglected. This all came at a time when the application deadline was very close for a part-time job that I’d been praying over for a month. I had concerns over transportation and the undependability of my body. God clearly shut the door on that one. So He has something even better.
However, if I had a say-so, I wouldn’t have pegged another surgery as the next step in my career preparedness work. Still, after so much recovery time experience with Him I totally trust Him and His direction.
Lessons Being Learned
One great lesson that I have learned in my twenty years of my plans being frustrated . . . God IS ALWAYS in Control !! When I get to the point of saying … “now what?” out of desperation instead of just curiously seeking God’s input on what I’d like to do…. then, and only then is the time that God knows He has my FULL attention and will do ANYTHING that He wants me to do.
What He often wants me to DO, is to just BE. OOOOH, that’s so hard for me! I grew up believing that performance is how I was measured. I truly enjoyed overachievement. So His cure for my wrong thinking was to have me just stop. He caused me to “be still and know that I am God.”
That is not all. He continues to teach me that I am special, just as I am. He loves me like this!? It doesn’t matter what THINGS I accomplish, what success I build up, etc. God has taught me it’s my relationship with Him and reliance upon His provision that is the most precious. . . my true treasure.
The grace He continues to show me as He helps me to see myself, not as I think: but as God says!
Now THAT is powerful!
I still don’t claim to understand it. I truly have to WORK at it… correcting my wrong thinking and poor self-esteem. But how do I do it? With the TRUTH which is found in the Word of God.
So for now, I am going to be in a time of resting in the loving arms of our Lord. Allowing Him to love me. The little lamb with the broken leg being carried by the Great Shepherd.