ellen5e.com » Family

The Reason for the Silence

ellen5e — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 01:31:18 +0000

You may have noticed that I haven’t been blogging regularly since the middle of December. That is because I made a conscious decision to step back from many ventures during the Christmas season to focus on the most important areas of my life. I focused more on family and the celebration of what the birth of Jesus Christ means to me.

Also, in December I had been increasingly afflicted with the extremely low energy associated with Chronic Fatigue Immune Deficiency Syndrome. As the daylight hours reduce at this time of year, the ability of my body to function decreases as well. Even the simplest of tasks takes exponentially more energy to accomplish. So I ended the year refraining from blogging.

As I increasingly pared back on what activities I attempted, I found myself discovering what I valued most. My husband and I grew closer together in our prayer and Bible study times together, as well as those that we shared with our daughter. We communicated more with one another what we really value and the dreams that we have. As a family, we didn’t worry that we didn’t have a lot of money for gifts at Christmas, but dreamed of ways to do the most with what we had.

I became a baking fool. I literally spent 2 weeks in the kitchen baking various candies and a few other baked delights to hand out to some friends. Steve’s work alone had 18 little packages of goodies which yielded smiles and happiness at his workplace. I guess one of his coworkers in particular found that she is somewhat addicted to my Buckeyes (chocolate covered peanut butter nougat balls). I did somewhat perfect the peanut brittle this year too.

We mailed off Christmas packages to relatives via Priority mail to arrive before Christmas only to find that 2 of the 3 were addressed wrong and returned the second week of January!! Argh! However, we did spend a lovely Christmas Eve at Steve’s folks and had a wonderful lamb feast with family before returning home between bad ice storms.

As New Year’s Eve arrived, I was ready to put 2009 behind me and start a new decade.

The Christmas Gift

ellen5e — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 02:43:23 +0000

The manger stays empty until Christmas Eve.

As economic times are tough, I have had a real challenge of figuring out about what gifts I might be able to afford. There is just no way to be able to do the usual extended family Secret Santa gift exchange this year. The family vehicle needed repairs that cost more than our Christmas gift-giving budget would have been.

So, I have had a chance to think even harder about the really important aspects of Christmas being so much more than pretty presents under the tree.

I want to share with you a family tradition that we have had for several years. Front and center under our family Christmas tree is placed a small manger. We place raffia straw in it and it sits that way until Christmas Eve. The last thing that I do before going to bed on Christmas Eve is to take a baby doll and swaddle the doll in burlap and lay it in that manger. THAT is the greatest gift of all. That reminder greets our family when we desend upon the tree Christmas morning.

Emmanuel, God with us…. what a wonderful gift! To know that God gave His only son so that we may be called His children forever, if only we accept Him as our Savior. We were in such great need when we were dead in our sins. And now, as we celebrate with the lights of the season, the Light of the World has come. We have received the greatest gift of all!

There is no greater gift that I could wish for you my friend than that of Jesus Christ the Savior. Do you have Him? If not, He is waiting to be invited to be your Savior and Lord. Once you have received that gift, what more could you possibly desire?

When it comes to the very real human feelings of sadness that I cannot just go out and buy some things that I know would make my friends and family happy to unwrap on Christmas morning; I just acknowledge that I am sad. But, then I think back to that wonderful traditional claymation video that used to be shown every Christmas season on television called “The Little Drummer Boy”.

The little drummer boy was extremely poor and had absolutely no gift to give to the baby Jesus. However, he was able to play his drum for Him…. par rup up pum pum…rup up pum pum…rup up pum pum. And then, the baby Jesus smiled at him. How cool is that? Just a fictional story, perhaps, yet it is true that Jesus doesn’t require anything from us other than our desire to have a relationship with Him. Everything else that we do from that point on will bring honor to Him as we get to know Him more and obey what He teaches.

Merry Christmas!

On Heaven’s Front Porch

ellen5e — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 04:38:04 +0000

A few days ago my ninety-three year old maternal grandmother was told by her doctor that she realistically has about one month more of life on this earth. She has a kind of cancer that attacks muscle.

After a brief hospitalization, she had moved into a nursing home about a month ago. My mother and father have been especially busy getting grandma settled into her new living quarters.

At 93 years old, my grandmother’s body is simply wearing out. She’s had some failing eyesight and of course the reduced hearing without hearing aids that naturally come with such advanced age. However, she has remained almost entirely lucid.

My father reported that the doctor said Grandma had “two months to live and one of those months is over.” With such a pronouncement there is a more urgent air in how people treat someone. I know that my primary concern was if my Grandmother’s eternal destination was secure in Jesus Christ.

You see, both my Grandfather (he passed in 1992) and my grandmother would refer to “the man upstairs,” but didn’t really talk much about spiritual matters or other such things as they saw them as too personal to talk to other people about. However, my Grandmother knows how demonstrative I am about my love for the Savior and the Word of God, so she is very open to my sharing my beliefs on the way to learning more about hers.

In just such a way, I have been able to have fantastic one on one, soul connected time with Grandma.

I am spending more time just sitting alongside her on her bed, holding hands lately. We share remembrances and jokes, laughter and meaningful silence. Grandma says things like, “I’ll be outta the way pretty soon,” not so much in a pessimistic kind of way. but more of an acceptance that she doesn’t have much time left. As she puts it, “I’m just moving on to the next step.”

This is sad, however there is so very much to be thankful for. She is ninety three yet mentally aware of everything and everyone around her. She has eyesight and hearing and speech. Although she has a cannula for supplemental oxygen, she is not really hooked up to machines to prolong the process.

When I asked, “Grandma, what can I do for you? Anything.” She answered, “just pray.” “What shall I pray for you Grandma? Just tell me and I will pray right now.” “Just pray for peace and no pain.” And I have been continuing to do just that. Likewise, she said that it was alright for me to share with others.

Right now, I am praising God. Those prayers are being answered even now. She is not in pain according to her. And she is at peace, actually smiling quite a bit as we visit. Plus, I keep getting the feeling that when it is time, she is simply going to pass in her sleep.

I see it as Grandma is on the front porch to our heavenly home. She’s about to go inside, however she is lingering a bit on the porch to wave goodbye to the neighbors and loved ones remaining on this earth for a bit longer. God knows the exact hour of her passing from this earth and into His presence. However, we are hoping that we will have the blessing of her presence here for a bit longer. My sister in Denver is due to arrive in about two weeks and would like to spend some quality time with Grandma and give her one last hug.

Facing the inevitable death of my aged grandmother is indeed sad. I selfishly hope that she will linger longer with us. However, I thank God for the everlasting hope that we share. We talk about it now. She has moments of fear, and we talk together. I may not always be at her side, nor may I have any real power to help her, but God has promised us that He has everything under control and He is going to be here the entire time.

We spend time laughing and just enjoying being together. We talk about the Indiana Fever women’s NBA team that are one game away from winning the finals! The Indianapolis Colts football team that has an undefeated season right now. Both of these sports teams along with the Pacers are favorites topics of conversation for Grandma.

Tomorrow, I am going to bring the mandolin when I visit so that I can play and sing with her. She played this mandolin many years, but finally set it aside when it became to difficult to continue to play. My mother then inherited it, but didn’t play it, so my mother let me use it as some of the bands I play with needed mandolin.

I was surprised at how quickly I learned it. Wonderfully, this mandolin practically plays gospel music by itself and I am along for the ride! A friend of mine said it must be anointed from the many, many years that Grandma played all those “gospel sings”. Whatever, the reason, I am going to play for my grandmother tomorrow. She had helped me learn art when I was younger, and now, she helps me with smiles as I play her mandolin, that I have named “Dolly,’ since that is Grandma’s first name.

In closing: Dear friends, cherish your loved ones while you have them with you. Please excuse me, I’m going to just sit on the porch with Grandma for a while : )

Mother’s Day Blessings of Love

ellen5e — Sun, 10 May 2009 05:31:00 +0000

I believe that this is the perfect addition to the blog for today. In honor of all mothers:
I Love You Forever as read by the author Richard Munsch.

A very special HAPPY MOTHERS Day to not only those who ARE mothers, but all of us who HAVE or HAD mothers. This story is narrated by the author himself. Enjoy.

A Special Note to MY mother: “Happy Mother’s Day MOM! You not only gave birth to me that I may live, but pointed the way to my 2nd birth that I may live eternally!! Love you forever Mom!”

Dig – Dug Drag

ellen5e — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 11:58:00 +0000

Excavation Day2
Originally uploaded by Ellen5e

Please pray for Steve. My poor husband has been digging for two days now, in the cold weather trying to get to the place where the lateral drain has collapsed. He is determined to uncover the spot by hand and THEN have a contractor come in to pull permits and actually perform the repair in order to save hundreds of dollars.

The only problem is, well, not having draining water for our household has already meant that he’s made a run to the laundry mat; lots of sponge baths, and fine china equals paper plates. I am thankful that so far he is doing a good job of not overly straining his back and also takes frequent breaks to recover from working in the cold.

He has removed a lot of tree roots, but still hasn’t uncovered the area that the snake prodding says is only about six feet from the clean-out.

You have to wonder what the neighbors are thinking. Looks grave-like especially with the black plastic bags of straw nearby. lol

Big Pain with BAD drain

ellen5e — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 22:41:00 +0000

Monday we discovered that we have a BIG problem. Apparently our drain from the house to the street has collapsed. Right before Thanksgiving we had a problem with draining laundry water backing up into the tub of the bathroom across the house while also overflowing the toilet. AAH!

Thank God I happened to have just gone to the bathroom so I was there to get everything up off the floor and also put up a dam of towels to keep water from getting to the carpeted hallway. Still I spent all afternoon cleaning up and bleaching. YUCK!

My husband Steve, rented a power auger and used it in the drain cleanout and things were better… we thought. It happened again… water is not draining from tub, for a very long time. When we go and glance outside, the cleanout cap has water oozing out, which means the pipe has certainly been blocked downline.

Several homes in our 1960s neighborhood have the “gopher dirt line” running from their house toward the street showing that they too had to repair/replace drain pipe. Apparently clay drainage pipes and plus we have clay soil, so FAIL.

Right now, we are only flushing 2 times a day. Sponge bathing and Steve 1 minute shower. At least Steve is able to use toilet at work for solid waste, but I am worried when my time comes. Gonna have to use a 5-gallon bucket with lid as a chamber pot and then impose on a friendly neighbor. We need this fixed ASAP!!!!

Now here’s where the real pain comes in. Normally, a repair like this would cost $3,000 plus. Steve has decided that he will use a snake, determine approx area of collapse, then dig by hand. Bigger pain, FRIGID weather. Ground is freezing up as we are having hard freezes in teens at night and 20’s or 30’s in daytime. PLUS Steve has a very demanding work load at his job, so not time to take a day off. So it’s gonna be slow going. By the time he gets home in the evening he only has about an hour of semi-daylight with which to dig. Plus the snow is coming.

I have a bale of straw in the back to use for insulating my roses and strawberry patch. So I suggested to Steve that he fluff some of that up into some large plastic lawn bags to lay down on the soil to try to insulate temperature of soil a bit.

We’ve already located the gas and water lines and Steve’s looked at the utilities map at the City. So, a shovelful at a time, he will dig to the collapsed pipe area and expose it. THEN, he will bring in the contractor who will pull the permits and actually do the repair. Steve can then help do the back fill to save more money. So we will get the bill from the thousands to the hundreds. All of this is gonna take so long to do : (

Please pray for my dear husband, that he doesn’t hurt his back, shoulders or neck during the endeavor, as well as his overall health as it is so cold and he is under increased stress of the situations. Thank you!

I praise God that we still have water coming INTO the house, so we are not without water. We have electricity, heat, food and communications. Most importantly, we are blessed to have each other. it will be interesting to see how this all comes out.

A “NOVEL” IDEA: I thought it would be neat to have a “Tom Sawyer Painting Party”-kind of event. Friends and Christian brothers show up with shovels and “dig in”. I feel so unhelpful, because I really would be out there digging myself, but God has me in surgery recovery “oh-n0-you-don’t” mode. Lord knows this is a very difficult place for me to be.

This life truly is a wonderful journey and even these trials prove to be an opportunity to learn and grow in love and understanding. Thanks for reading this.
If you have any experiences or advise to share, I would very much like to hear from you.

Thanksgiving with a Soldier

ellen5e — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 01:59:00 +0000

This is not your typical holiday greeting or a link to an online card. Rather it is a heartfelt “Happy Thanksgiving” from our WHOLE family. We are here in St. Robert, Missouri to visit with Michelle for a couple of days. We pray that all of you are enjoying your family gatherings and blessings of just being together, let alone the bonuses of yummy seasonal feasts : )
——————–
Yes, this was the first and only time she has seen us since July 1st. NO, she did not get to graduate. We just attended the graduation of most of her company because she wanted us to meet a lot of them, the sergeant’s and other cadre. Plus, we were able to learn a LOT about the daily basic training and see some of the drilling in action.

Michelle was granted an overnight pass off base which is unusual for non-grads, but the Sergeants ALL are very impressed with her. You see, she is top-notch, but cannot graduate until she is healed enough to march and run 15k. The most she was able to do before the hip stress fracture was 8k, and then they shut her down for fear of the fracture breaking on through. She sure knows her stuff and she’s very good at communicating that to others; civilians or newbies or being quizzed by the brass to explain to other groups.

We are so very PROUD. She is meeting with the adversity of an uncertain future and limitations that she has no control over quite well. She is a bit bothered by the way that medical holdovers on profile (physical limitations) are treated by the rest of the troop as a whole. There ARE fakers and wimps who pretend to be injured, and then there are the legit. We met a young specialist (like corporal) who is gonna have back surgery in January. But it’s those that are assigned to crutches that basically don’t USE them that gives everyone a bad rep.

After completing 2 cycles now, she is respected by most everyone. But it is the army way to shun the injured to encourage quick healing and compliance.

So with her off base overnight pass, she was able to come back to the hotel with us, eat PIZZA and then we went out to a movie. “BOLT” is a new computer animated movie about a dog that our family wanted to see. It was either that, or the new James Bond movie. The dog in the movie and his relationship with the girl made Michelle really miss being home with Spirit. But it has LOTS of funny lines and happenings in the movie, not to mention the different animation styles. So we thoroughly enjoyed it.

Then, there was the Scrabble game and LOTS of good conversation, and popcorn and junk food. Then she shared the bed with me. Then in the morning, decadence of all time, Krispy Cream Donughts! We’re talking lemon cream and raspberry jam filled deliciousness. That and milk was it prior to the Family Thanksgiving Dinner Event put on by the company on base at 1pm. That food was delicious. And the best part was that there was no cooking and cleaning on my part. LOL. Seriously, it was surprisingly tasty and there were an abundance of things I never even got to on the side bar.

Turkey, Ham and Beef, Mashed potatoes and gravy, yams, StoveTop OR Bread stuffing, peas and mushrooms, corn, shrimp cocktail, pumpkin pie, cheese cake, rolls, and more and more that we didn’t even go to look at. They charged only $6.15 for Steve and me, and Michelle just checked in. A few of the mess hall employees pulled me aside and said things like “we’re not supposed to develop close relationships with the privates, but Spencer is special,” and “She’s a good one,” and “we all like your daughter a lot around here.” The one lady (has Michelle’s number memorized) wanted a photo of all three of us together. And Michelle asked for one with her and the lady together.

There were a few tears shared between us. During graduation, when the graduates are repeating the Soldiers Creed as one, was very emotional for Michelle and I. Knowing that she has to sit there while they move on. I am sure it was even more emotional for her when her first cycle graduated. The ones in which she really bonded as they broke in together.

The best tears/conversations between her and I came when I spoke with her about how proud we are of her. She and I have a SPECIAL bond. Not just parent and child. Not even as a just good friends. She is not just my offspring, but a Sister in Christ. That is an everlasting bond despite physical place, time or even death. There is great security and thanksgiving in that respect.

But the one thing that we share that no one else can understand to the degree in which I do is : the incredible pain that comes along with having your plans dashed by an unexpected, bodily, limitation in which you have NO control. Physical pain is rough enough, but the emotional pain SUCKS! Now What?

One of the greatest things that I am thankful for in regard to Michelle’s situation is that she has a very strong faith. She is tough in dealing with the pain. Sucks it up nicely. BUT she is smart about not doing more damage or ignore that a problem really exists. Finding that balance is a hard, but very important skill.

Click this link to view photos

Current plans are for Steve and I to drive back out to Ft. Leonard Wood mid-December, spend a night, see a couple more museum places and then home for the holidays.

Right now, we believe that Michelle will have to report back to Ft. Leonard Wood at the first of the year and continue on’til they decide what to do next. She is due to get a promotion on January 1st, so that is at least something for her to look forward to.

Christmastime will also include a trip up to cousins and grandparents up in Northern Indiana at some point. Less presents this year due to economy, but more family valuing.

We have many, many things that we are thankful for at this time of year. You, our Dearly Beloved friends and family are chief among those blessings.

No Voice! No Choice!

ellen5e — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 02:52:00 +0000

Wow! My husband Steve and I have just emerged from one of the worst bouts of flu virus that we’ve had in a long while. He complained of a sore throat a week ago Thursday and then did the unthinkable. He actually came home early from work on Friday because he was so ill. The sore throat took away the voice. The fever and aches made one miserable. To top it off, the lethargy robbed us of any productivity.

Our full-time job became taking care of one another. Whoever went to the kitchen brought back a cup of tea with honey, chicken noodle soup, or Gatorade for the other. Mutual suffering, it was pathetically romantic. As I was about a day and a half later in coming down with this virus, I am the last to get back to 100%, nonetheless, I am at a good 90% tonight. If God blesses me with another hard night of sleep, I believe that I will “come into His house with singing” [Psalm 100] tomorrow morning as we celebrate the Lord’s Day at Gray Road. Tomorrow is our special Thanksgiving celebration at the church. So it feels even better to get to go with revitalized health.

This week without being able to use my voice, much at all, gave me a lot of “quiet time”. It was truly frustrating to not be able to just call up friends or family, or as I had to croak over the phone when my husband called from work. It made me think about how very much I am thankful for the voice that God has given me. How much I have taken it for granted. Those of you who really know me, know that I am rarely at a loss for words and am very creative at drawing word pictures and illustrations when communicating. So having this “fountain” shut down for the week went from being just pure pain and frustration, to an unexpected opportunity for me to “be still and know that He is God.”

Without my voice, I was unable to ask questions. That was weird. It seems that I am a very curious person who is always wanting more details and understanding. Okay. So I learned to just accept it as it is. Don’t question it. Take it as it’s presented. If I don’t understand it, well, then, maybe it’s not important that I do so. Let it roll. Whatever… next!

Therefore, the lesson I learned this week with no voice:
No Choice with No Voice but to listen to that which is presented, and just accept it, as is, or NOT. I have the choice to either file it away for later inquiries, or just toss it aside. I don’t HAVE to understand every little thing. That’s a freedom that I didn’t realize that I needed to experience which came to me through the imprisonment of my voice for a week. All in all, a pretty short trial for such a valuable insight.

Miracle on My Motorcyle

ellen5e — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 00:56:00 +0000

September 17, 1987 is a special date on the calendar for me. You see, it was 21 years ago today that my life took a major hit. While driving our Kawasaki 550 motorcycle I was broadsided by the car of a young lady performing an illegal U-turn. My life as I had known it (had planned) would never be the same.

It was just before the impact and I was waiting for morning rush hour traffic to clear from one of the two major one-way streets located at the end of my commute to work in beautiful Santa Barbara, California. I knew that I had to wait a few moments more before the traffic cleared. So I took the opportunity to shoot up a praise to God. “What a gorgeous morning it is Father. There is not a single cloud in the sky.” Additionally I am going to be early for work, and I am excelling at my job.

Looking back on that moment now, I realize that was the last minute in which I had no chronic pain in my life. I really do forget what that felt like. Perhaps God answered me with ” Oh sure, you think it’s beautiful and hunky dory now, but let’s just see what you think in a minute.” I believe that in Heaven, God was gathering the angels to watch what was going to happen next.

After crossing the intersection, I noticed that a car traveling in the opposite direction quickly pulled along the opposite curb as it going to park. But then it happened. The sudden impact broadsided me full force as the black bumper of the Civic instantly crushed my Left Ankle. I found myself startled (WHAT just happened), in great pain as my foot was hit by the car then pushed off the peg, and dragging along the pavement. On top of all that, my head was wizzing by the bumpers of cars parked on my side of the street as I was still moving forward although at an angle of a track bike (like the GT racers we just saw here in Indy).

I jerked with all my might to keep from going down. All the while it occurred to me that I am now driving on the wrong side of the street (from jerking up), my foots dragging, and I must stop in just a few yards BEFORE I enter the intersection with the other major one-way street. AAAAAAH!

This is where I testify to the miracle on my motorcycle. God was at work greatly in my life. He got me to stop the motorcycle before getting hit again. I did NOT go down even though broadsided. I think part of the credit for that goes to the fact that I raced bicycles at Major Taylor Velodrome and in racing class and training we would purposefully jam our bicycles into each other to learn how to avoid wrecks and react to unexpected pedal in your spokes.

Once I had managed to stop the forward movement of the cycle, I was standing there with both hand squeezing the calipers on the handlebar (clutch and brake). I was managing to stay balanced on my one right leg, but it was heavy and my other foot was mangled. What was worse is that I couldn’t shift the cycle into neutral because it would have been done by my useless left foot. I was stuck there!!

Just then, a VERY pregnant woman came up the sidewalk to help me. I remember thinking that the gutteral screams that came out of me were not very feminine (surprised that I sounded like a guy) and that I could even scare her away if I didn’t quiet them.

She came up to me and saw that I had a problem, but couldn’t hear me very well through the running of the motorcycle and due to the fact that the visor of my full face helmet was down. So she was fumbling around trying to undo my helmet. I swallowed all screams of pain and yelled, “PUT… the KICKSTAND…. DOWN!” Once she did that, I killed the bike by turning off the key with the assurance of the kickstand there to keep me from falling over.

I took off my helmet and looked down at my foot. It looked like the ends of two of my toes were missing and I knew that my ankle foot was broken. The lady had called the police and ambulance and wanted to help me to the sidewalk. I initially declined since she looked like she would deliver her baby if she lifted half of my weight. However the incessant throbbing convinced me that I should accept her offer.

We managed to get me to the sidewalk, a couple of very painful steps, and then I was down. Only then did I see that the only damage to the motorcycle was to the left case guard that helps protect the engine… a $50 part!! Another miracle.

Yes, God saw to it that I did not go down, that I had NO other damage to my body other than my left knee, leg, ankle and foot. Do you realize that if I had gone down I wouldn’t have been able to even use crutches?

May I just say something about crutches. When I am using them I get the “oh, you poor thing” look from everyone. Others using crutches say, ‘don’t you just HATE having to use crutches?” My answer is a resounding “NO.” I love these crutches. This is the original pair and if they had an odometer on them it would have tripped over the 100,000 mile mark about three times. I don’t know what I would have done without them.

When I am on crutches I can really move!! Just ask my friends. Unfortunately, right now I am recovering from a shoulder injury and can’t use them yet. So I appreciate them all the more, because without their use I am much more limited. Still I do have the famous “black boot” that I can throw on when I am expecting to be “slammin’” (on my feet or walking a lot). Again, I get the looks and the questions “what happened, did you have another surgery?”

I know that people are generally caring and tend to think that injuries are supposed to get better. But the sad fact is that some of us are never going to recover from our injuries. Not in this lifetime anyway. These appliances (crutches, canes, boots, funny shoes) are just our ways to cope in the meantime. To try to live a productive life in spite of the physical challenges.
I now joke that I have been through probably about a dozen sets of guardian angels. They draw lots up there to NOT have to get me as a client.

Almost half of my life has now been in constant pain.
As a competitive long distance runner I used to just push through the pain. No pain, no gain, right? Maybe so, but you will notice that I don’t run anymore. I can’t. If it’s an emergency or something I can lope along with the understanding that I will have to pay a physical price. I’ll be “lame” for a few days, and have to go back to using my crutches.

Worse than that, I often don’t realize that I’m overdoing until after it is too late. Again because my way of dealing with pain was to mentally ’shove it aside’, I use a kind of self-hypnosis that worked well for me as an athlete, but that can do damage to me now.

Since I am allergic to almost all pain medicines, I can take none. So I really am in constant pain every moment I am awake. But there are a couple of coping skills that I have learned that work for me. Music is the biggest one. When I sing or play, it is a painkiller for me. It helps that I like to sing praises to God with our church worship team and jam on mandolin and guitar with friends. That’s why you’ll hear me turn almost any sentence into the lyric and break out into song.

Another painkiller is laughter. My friends help me with this one. Laughter is the best medicine is tried and true. I know that depression is just a natural outcome when someone is dealing with chronic anything. There are chemical things happening in the brain with seratonin and endorphins and such. Since I am unable to be as physically active as I was as an athlete it’s even more important that I laugh. Like exercise, laughter increases the endorphins; the body’s natural pain killers.

So that is why when you first meet me you may think that I am very silly. I am learning to roll with the punches and not take things too seriously. I realize that things could ALWAYS be worse. And, in many people’s cases, they are. However, I also realize that no matter what happens it is all under God’s control.

Let God be God: get out of the way.
So my plans to be a nurse practitioner were trashed, as were the ability to participate in a lot of the exercises and sports competitions that I enjoyed. Now I have a permanent disability that prevents me from enjoying the life I wanted to live. Besides the walking, standing, foot down time and distance limitations, I have the physical drain of the constant pain. Think about it, when you are in pain you get tired more easily, don’t you. I think part of that is from swallowing down the pain, not expressing it through some means. The other problem is the emotional drain. Frustration of not being able to do what I once did, it’s never going to get better than this, the extra time that adaptability methods require. It just takes more time to do things.

For me, with my bent toward perfectionism, I need to get rid of the “would have,” “could have,” “should have” statements. It just is what it is. I am not God. I am learning more and more the importance of the Serenity Prayer:
“God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change [past, not in my control], Courage to change the things I can [focus on what I CAN do, and learn new ways to adapt], and the Wisdom to know the difference.”

Over the last 21 years, I have learned a lot. I would not have chosen these events. But I now see where God was in control the entire time. “I know the plans I have for you…. plans for hope and a future,” is what God tells me in Isaiah. It is not the path that I would have willingly chosen for myself… motorcycle crash, crushed leg, 31 surgeries, pain and disappointments…. “sure, sign me up.” Nonetheless, I am blessed beyond measure. I have become a stronger person who is learning to take my value less from what I do and more for Who’s I am.

I joke about the fact that with so many surgeries and stuff, the guardian angels have to draw lots in hopes of not getting me as an assignment. I’m sure I have worn out at least a dozen sets. I know that like Paul, God has allowed me to be molded through trials. That if I hadn’t had all this happen TO me, because He cares FOR me, I would probably have been a prideful, arrogant, competitive jerk. So when the trumpet sounds, get ready to eat my dust… cause I’m going to be running into glory!

But for now, I’m going to keep on placing my faith in Him and do my best to help others to meet my Saviour so that they can come with me. You wanna come???

Time to Eat

ellen5e — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 07:03:00 +0000

BunnieD2B-poster
Originally uploaded by Ellen5e

Though not the softest of nipples, the monoject helps me deliver the formula (condensed milk, goats milk, clover honey and soluble vitamins). I am very careful to not depress the plunger too fast so as to prevent aspiration.

I learned that bunnies of this age, eyes are not opened yet, will eat about 2 times a day and about 2 ml per feeding. Most important feeding time is between midnight and 5 a.m..

Whatever the cc/ml amount, I look to the little one to tell me when it is full and look for signs of a nice rounded tummy when done.

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