The Reason for the Silence

You may have noticed that I haven’t been blogging regularly since the middle of December. That is because I made a conscious decision to step back from many ventures during the Christmas season to focus on the most important areas of my life. I focused more on family and the celebration of what the birth of Jesus Christ means to me.

Also, in December I had been increasingly afflicted with the extremely low energy associated with Chronic Fatigue Immune Deficiency Syndrome. As the daylight hours reduce at this time of year, the ability of my body to function decreases as well. Even the simplest of tasks takes exponentially more energy to accomplish. So I ended the year refraining from blogging.

As I increasingly pared back on what activities I attempted, I found myself discovering what I valued most. My husband and I grew closer together in our prayer and Bible study times together, as well as those that we shared with our daughter. We communicated more with one another what we really value and the dreams that we have. As a family, we didn’t worry that we didn’t have a lot of money for gifts at Christmas, but dreamed of ways to do the most with what we had.

I became a baking fool. I literally spent 2 weeks in the kitchen baking various candies and a few other baked delights to hand out to some friends. Steve’s work alone had 18 little packages of goodies which yielded smiles and happiness at his workplace. I guess one of his coworkers in particular found that she is somewhat addicted to my Buckeyes (chocolate covered peanut butter nougat balls). I did somewhat perfect the peanut brittle this year too.

We mailed off Christmas packages to relatives via Priority mail to arrive before Christmas only to find that 2 of the 3 were addressed wrong and returned the second week of January!! Argh!  However, we did spend a lovely Christmas Eve at Steve’s folks and had a wonderful lamb feast with family before returning home between bad ice storms.

As New Year’s Eve arrived, I was ready to put 2009 behind me and start a new decade.

Procrastination: What’s ‘pro’ about it?

I am developing a plan to get a task done. Or is it that I am beginning to start to plan?  The prefix ‘pro’ usually means moving forward, bettering, such as in the word progress. Procrastination: what’s ‘pro’ about it?

Here is a video that someone sent me a link to. This was the inspiration for finally writing this blog. Something that I had been meaning to write for some time. LOL

WHY do I procrastinate.  Why wait to do what I know NEEDS to be done?  I believe there are a few things worth considering here. Perhaps the greatest deterrent to getting something done is FEAR. Fear of failure, or that I will mess things up. Maybe my bent toward perfectionism is screaming at me to “Wait! You SHOULD do it this way. This other way may be better.” It’s the dreaded “Shoulda, woulda, coulda”s of an overly creative mind that can bog me down. And, just maybe, it is that FEAR that overrides our desire to just get on with the task at hand.

Don’t get me wrong. I do believe that one shouldn’t just barge forth without any direction or preparedness. But I see that there is this (sometimes hard to define) borderline between appropriately pausing and taking careful steps to proceed versus stopped and not willing or apparently unable to proceed. A procrastination paralysis produces a productivity nightmare!

The solution? Ha! If I knew that I could be a millionaire as a result of all the motivational speaking engagements that I could do at the conventions full of the myriads of people who are searching for a way out. I would right a book and go on book signing tours.  Well, maybe someday.

Seriously, as I think about it now, I believe one of the biggest solutions to my bouts of procrastination is to face the fact that I am doing it. Call it what it really is. Procrastination in my case is a sin.

Does that seem harsh to you? Well, remember, this is in dealing with my own procrastination. I am going to treat it as a sin because sin is defined as being “off the mark”.  I believe that God does call me to be holy as He is holy; to strive to live a righteous and productive life. I also believe that the ONLY way for me to do that is by utilizing the grace of God given to me as a free gift when I became His child. At the moment of my salvation, I was saved. That is past tense. It’s a done deal.

Now, as I “seek first the Kingdom of God,” I am challenged to grow up into a better way of doing things. I daily “walk by faith” when I study the Bible and use God’s Word to transform my old ways of thinking and doing things into a better way. So, you see, if I am applying what I am learning,  I am always growing. There is no room for procrastination there.

As I face this personal sin of procrastination I need to remember to say “STOP! This is wrong.”  I must admit that I am choosing to allow my fear of the unknown future to allow me to enter into an old, prideful way of thinking that based my success on what I did and how well I performed.

So, for me, stopping procrastination is getting back on track. Stop what I am doing wrong, learn the correction, and do that. I actively choose to say, “Lord help me: remind me to place your love before my fears.”  I need to remember that perfect love casts out fear and practice that.  It does take practice.  That perfect love is available to me (and to you too) in the redeeming work of Jesus Christ who provides a way . . . the ONLY way out of the fear and into the love.

1 John 4:18 (NASB)
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.

At this moment, I can say I am not procrastinating. How about you?

On Heaven’s Front Porch

A few days ago my ninety-three year old maternal grandmother was told by her doctor that she realistically has about one month more of life on this earth. She has a kind of cancer that attacks muscle.

After a brief hospitalization, she had moved into a nursing home about a month ago. My mother and father have been especially busy getting grandma settled into her new living quarters.

At 93 years old, my grandmother’s body is simply wearing out. She’s had some failing eyesight and of course the reduced hearing without hearing aids that naturally come with such advanced age. However, she has remained almost entirely lucid.

My father reported that the doctor said Grandma had “two months to live and one of those months is over.” With such a pronouncement there is a more urgent air in how people treat someone. I know that my primary concern was if my Grandmother’s eternal destination was secure in Jesus Christ.

You see, both my Grandfather (he passed in 1992) and my grandmother would refer to “the man upstairs,” but didn’t really talk much about spiritual matters or other such things as they saw them as too personal to talk to other people about. However, my Grandmother knows how demonstrative I am about my love for the Savior and the Word of God, so she is very open to my sharing my beliefs on the way to learning more about hers.

In just such a way, I have been able to have fantastic one on one, soul connected time with Grandma.

I am spending more time just sitting alongside her on her bed, holding hands lately. We share remembrances and jokes, laughter and meaningful silence. Grandma says things like, “I’ll be outta the way pretty soon,” not so much in a pessimistic kind of way. but more of an acceptance that she doesn’t have much time left. As she puts it, “I’m just moving on to the next step.”

This is sad, however there is so very much to be thankful for. She is ninety three yet mentally aware of everything and everyone around her. She has eyesight and hearing and speech. Although she has a cannula for supplemental oxygen, she is not really hooked up to machines to prolong the process.

When I asked, “Grandma, what can I do for you? Anything.” She answered, “just pray.” “What shall I pray for you Grandma? Just tell me and I will pray right now.” “Just pray for peace and no pain.” And I have been continuing to do just that. Likewise, she said that it was alright for me to share with others.

Right now, I am praising God. Those prayers are being answered even now. She is not in pain according to her. And she is at peace, actually smiling quite a bit as we visit. Plus, I keep getting the feeling that when it is time, she is simply going to pass in her sleep.

I see it as Grandma is on the front porch to our heavenly home. She’s about to go inside, however she is lingering a bit on the porch to wave goodbye to the neighbors and loved ones remaining on this earth for a bit longer. God knows the exact hour of her passing from this earth and into His presence. However, we are hoping that we will have the blessing of her presence here for a bit longer. My sister in Denver is due to arrive in about two weeks and would like to spend some quality time with Grandma and give her one last hug.

Facing the inevitable death of my aged grandmother is indeed sad. I selfishly hope that she will linger longer with us. However, I thank God for the everlasting hope that we share. We talk about it now. She has moments of fear, and we talk together. I may not always be at her side, nor may I have any real power to help her, but God has promised us that He has everything under control and He is going to be here the entire time.

We spend time laughing and just enjoying being together. We talk about the Indiana Fever women’s NBA team that are one game away from winning the finals! The Indianapolis Colts football team that has an undefeated season right now. Both of these sports teams along with the Pacers are favorites topics of conversation for Grandma.

Tomorrow, I am going to bring the mandolin when I visit so that I can play and sing with her. She played this mandolin many years, but finally set it aside when it became to difficult to continue to play. My mother then inherited it, but didn’t play it, so my mother let me use it as some of the bands I play with needed mandolin.

I was surprised at how quickly I learned it. Wonderfully, this mandolin practically plays gospel music by itself and I am along for the ride! A friend of mine said it must be anointed from the many, many years that Grandma played all those “gospel sings”. Whatever, the reason, I am going to play for my grandmother tomorrow. She had helped me learn art when I was younger, and now, she helps me with smiles as I play her mandolin, that I have named “Dolly,’ since that is Grandma’s first name.

In closing: Dear friends, cherish your loved ones while you have them with you. Please excuse me, I’m going to just sit on the porch with Grandma for a while : )

Crashed and Turned

Some of you will have already heard about this, but since today is the anniversary date of a major life-altering event, I decided to reblog it.
September 17, 1987 is a special date on the calendar for me. You see, it was 22 years ago today that my life took a major hit. While driving our Kawasaki 550 motorcycle I was broadsided by the car of a young lady performing an illegal U-turn. My life as I had known it (had planned) would never be the same.

It was just before the impact and I was waiting for morning rush hour traffic to clear from one of the two major one-way streets located at the end of my commute to work in beautiful Santa Barbara, California. I knew that I had to wait a few moments more before the traffic cleared. So I took the opportunity to shoot up a praise to God. “What a gorgeous morning it is Father. There is not a single cloud in the sky.” Additionally I am going to be early for work, and I am excelling at my job.

Looking back on that moment now, I realize that was the last minute in which I had no chronic pain in my life. I really do forget what that felt like. Perhaps God answered me with ” Oh sure, you think it’s beautiful and hunky dory now, but let’s just see what you think in a minute.” I believe that in Heaven, God was gathering the angels to watch what was going to happen next.

After crossing the intersection, I noticed that a car traveling in the opposite direction quickly pulled along the opposite curb as it going to park. But then it happened. The sudden impact broadsided me full force as the black bumper of the Civic instantly crushed my Left Ankle. I found myself startled (WHAT just happened), in great pain as my foot was hit by the car then pushed off the peg, and dragging along the pavement. On top of all that, my head was wizzing by the bumpers of cars parked on my side of the street as I was still moving forward although at an angle of a track bike (like the GT racers we just saw here in Indy).

I jerked with all my might to keep from going down. All the while it occurred to me that I am now driving on the wrong side of the street (from jerking up), my foots dragging, and I must stop in just a few yards BEFORE I enter the intersection with the other major one-way street. AAAAAAH!

This is where I testify to the miracle on my motorcycle. God was at work greatly in my life. He got me to stop the motorcycle before getting hit again. I did NOT go down even though broadsided. I think part of the credit for that goes to the fact that I raced bicycles at Major Taylor Velodrome and in racing class and training we would purposefully jam our bicycles into each other to learn how to avoid wrecks and react to unexpected pedal in your spokes.

Once I had managed to stop the forward movement of the cycle, I was standing there with both hand squeezing the calipers on the handlebar (clutch and brake). I was managing to stay balanced on my one right leg, but it was heavy and my other foot was mangled. What was worse is that I couldn’t shift the cycle into neutral because it would have been done by my useless left foot. I was stuck there!!

Just then, a VERY pregnant woman came up the sidewalk to help me. I remember thinking that the gutteral screams that came out of me were not very feminine (surprised that I sounded like a guy) and that I could even scare her away if I didn’t quiet them.

She came up to me and saw that I had a problem, but couldn’t hear me very well through the running of the motorcycle and due to the fact that the visor of my full face helmet was down. So she was fumbling around trying to undo my helmet. I swallowed all screams of pain and yelled, “PUT… the KICKSTAND…. DOWN!” Once she did that, I killed the bike by turning off the key with the assurance of the kickstand there to keep me from falling over.

I took off my helmet and looked down at my foot. It looked like the ends of two of my toes were missing and I knew that my ankle foot was broken. The lady had called the police and ambulance and wanted to help me to the sidewalk. I initially declined since she looked like she would deliver her baby if she lifted half of my weight. However the incessant throbbing convinced me that I should accept her offer.

We managed to get me to the sidewalk, a couple of very painful steps, and then I was down. Only then did I see that the only damage to the motorcycle was to the left case guard that helps protect the engine… a $50 part!! Another miracle.

Yes, God saw to it that I did not go down, that I had NO other damage to my body other than my left knee, leg, ankle and foot. Do you realize that if I had gone down I wouldn’t have been able to even use crutches?

May I just say something about crutches. When I am using them I get the “oh, you poor thing” look from everyone. Others using crutches say, ‘don’t you just HATE having to use crutches?” My answer is a resounding “NO.” I love these crutches. This is the original pair and if they had an odometer on them it would have tripped over the 100,000 mile mark about three times. I don’t know what I would have done without them.

When I am on crutches I can really move!! Just ask my friends. Unfortunately, right now I am recovering from a shoulder injury and can’t use them yet. So I appreciate them all the more, because without their use I am much more limited. Still I do have the famous “black boot” that I can throw on when I am expecting to be “slammin’” (on my feet or walking a lot). Again, I get the looks and the questions “what happened, did you have another surgery?”

I know that people are generally caring and tend to think that injuries are supposed to get better. But the sad fact is that some of us are never going to recover from our injuries. Not in this lifetime anyway. These appliances (crutches, canes, boots, funny shoes) are just our ways to cope in the meantime. To try to live a productive life in spite of the physical challenges.
I now joke that I have been through probably about a dozen sets of guardian angels. They draw lots up there to NOT have to get me as a client.

Almost half of my life has now been in constant pain.
As a competitive long distance runner I used to just push through the pain. No pain, no gain, right? Maybe so, but you will notice that I don’t run anymore. I can’t. If it’s an emergency or something I can lope along with the understanding that I will have to pay a physical price. I’ll be “lame” for a few days, and have to go back to using my crutches.

Worse than that, I often don’t realize that I’m overdoing until after it is too late. Again because my way of dealing with pain was to mentally ’shove it aside’, I use a kind of self-hypnosis that worked well for me as an athlete, but that can do damage to me now.

Since I am allergic to almost all pain medicines, I can take none. So I really am in constant pain every moment I am awake. But there are a couple of coping skills that I have learned that work for me. Music is the biggest one. When I sing or play, it is a painkiller for me. It helps that I like to sing praises to God with our church worship team and jam on mandolin and guitar with friends. That’s why you’ll hear me turn almost any sentence into the lyric and break out into song.

Another painkiller is laughter. My friends help me with this one. Laughter is the best medicine is tried and true. I know that depression is just a natural outcome when someone is dealing with chronic anything. There are chemical things happening in the brain with seratonin and endorphins and such. Since I am unable to be as physically active as I was as an athlete it’s even more important that I laugh. Like exercise, laughter increases the endorphins; the body’s natural pain killers.

So that is why when you first meet me you may think that I am very silly. I am learning to roll with the punches and not take things too seriously. I realize that things could ALWAYS be worse. And, in many people’s cases, they are. However, I also realize that no matter what happens it is all under God’s control.

Let God be God: get out of the way.
So my plans to be a nurse practitioner were trashed, as were the ability to participate in a lot of the exercises and sports competitions that I enjoyed. Now I have a permanent disability that prevents me from enjoying the life I wanted to live. Besides the walking, standing, foot down time and distance limitations, I have the physical drain of the constant pain. Think about it, when you are in pain you get tired more easily, don’t you. I think part of that is from swallowing down the pain, not expressing it through some means. The other problem is the emotional drain. Frustration of not being able to do what I once did, it’s never going to get better than this, the extra time that adaptability methods require. It just takes more time to do things.

For me, with my bent toward perfectionism, I need to get rid of the “would have,” “could have,” “should have” statements. It just is what it is. I am not God. I am learning more and more the importance of the Serenity Prayer:
“God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change [past, not in my control], Courage to change the things I can [focus on what I CAN do, and learn new ways to adapt], and the Wisdom to know the difference.”

Over the last 21 years, I have learned a lot. I would not have chosen these events. But I now see where God was in control the entire time. “I know the plans I have for you…. plans for hope and a future,” is what God tells me in Isaiah. It is not the path that I would have willingly chosen for myself… motorcycle crash, crushed leg, 31 surgeries, pain and disappointments…. “sure, sign me up.” Nonetheless, I am blessed beyond measure. I have become a stronger person who is learning to take my value less from what I do and more for Who’s I am.

I joke about the fact that with so many surgeries and stuff, the guardian angels have to draw lots in hopes of not getting me as an assignment. I’m sure I have worn out at least a dozen sets. I know that like Paul, God has allowed me to be molded through trials. That if I hadn’t had all this happen TO me, because He cares FOR me, I would probably have been a prideful, arrogant, competitive jerk. So when the trumpet sounds, get ready to eat my dust… cause I’m going to be running into glory!

==== Today I am celebrating the fact that though this event was traumatic, it began a new direction in my life. A major turn for what I Biblically believe is guananteed to be for the better.

It’s not working right!

Okay, tonight’s great project just obtained the title of FLUB. I had our Patagonian Conure (parrot) on my shoulder and video cam recorded a wonderful update about all that has been happening regarding my Foreign Accent Syndrome journey.  I attempted to send it from the website I created it on, after viewing it for accuracy. . . and POOF! It was Gone!!!

It is now so late at night that I simply cannot continue. I must go to bed. Plus Oliver (the parrot) is in bed and he added that extra something to the video.

Therefore the irony of this post which started out to incorporate news mostly delivered by a nice little video, is now Kaput!!!  As today’s geeks would say…”FAIL”.

It is funny that the very thing that I was reporting on is that my brain is not working right, my speech is still not right, and now, even my attempt at posting it on the internet is not right.  I can take a hint; it’s bedtime.  Just like so many of life’s other frustrations and attempts to stop me in my tracks, this is not a brick wall to stop me… rather… it’s just another hurdle to jump.

However, this hurdler is going to reenergize with some sleep before we go at it again.

Cartoon from http://www.runningromans.com

Interview No. 8

It has been a while since I last posted. Why?? Well, I’ve been incredibly busy with 4-H Dog Obedience and especially agility. I am a leader and am the coordinator for the Marion County 4-H Dog Agility Show at the Marion County Fair. So I was living and breathing fair preparation for the last 3 weeks of July.

However, I did continue to go to speech therapy in order to attempt to correnct my Foreign Accent Syndrome speech.  Just recently they have increased the frequency of the sessions, so I hope to improve even faster.

Here is the radio interview I had with Terri Stacey on WIBC radio 93.1 FM in Indianapolis on Tuesday, August 4th.

Click here >>2009.0804 WIBC.08 SMALL to listen to radio interview no. 8.