Imperfect Perfection

You know what?  I am NOT perfect. Surprise!  Yet, one of my personal struggles is with the character defect of perfectionism. I could even go so far to say that it is a sin, but I don’t know that I chose so much to act this way as it is a natural bent that has plagued my Type A, constantly pushing for the best, way of doing things.

Either way I see it as both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand I can say that this perfectionism has given me the “eye” for detail. I can generally tell with a quick glance if something is amiss, awry or off-kilter. This especially comes in handy when I am rendering a drawing or painting that is realistic. It also gives those I work for the assurance that I am going to give great attention to the accuracy and detail of a job. I am by nature highly motivated, driven to do the best I can, and determined to see a task through to the end.

So what’s the downside? I am the most critical of my own work. It was so bad when I was younger that I couldn’t keep any of my own paintings because I would look at it and see something that was a bit off or could have been done better. As a runner, I would always strive to go further, go faster. As a daughter, wife or friend I would do everything to be the “best”.  Oh, I was what some would call an overachiever, a competitor that didn’t know when to quit. Why? Because, I felt that my best was NEVER good enough.

It was in college, working for the Department of Graphic Communications Chair (he was also a perfectionist) that I learned a bit of a trick in fighting this troubling trait. He told me, “If the client likes it, it is good enough.”  Never mind that you think it would be better this way, in these colors or whatever. If my job is to produce a piece that the client likes, then the moment he says “that’s good,” it IS good. Period.

Wow!  What a revelation. Just by proclaiming something good, it IS good. There really is such a thing as “Good Enough”.  What a concept.

As I am currently struggling with some physical challenges right now, I have been forced to look at the increased frustrations and disappointment associated with the realization that I simply cannot do what “normal” people can expect to do. Nor, even, what I could do myself in years previous. I am starting to have those thoughts of not measuring up. Maybe those who used to love me will tire of me and discard me as “a problem” or “broken” and unable to be “fixed”.

However, these are feelings that I cannot trust. These feelings would have me believe that I am what I do; that it is my performance that determines my worth. You know what I am learning? (Not that I have attained a full working degree of mastery here, yet).  I am learning that these thoughts based on feeling are untrustworthy. Lies!

My value really is not based on what I can or cannot do. It is not based on quotas of projects completed, grades, money earned or invested. It is not based on if my hair is styled just so, or if I am wearing the latest clothing fashion. My value is not even determined on if my husband or child is pleased with my cooking or even if they are angry with me.

No. None of that is the real basis of my value. What I believe to be true as I study my Bible (if only my feelings would grasp that truth more) is that my value comes not from what I DO, or to what degree of perfection I perform, but from WHOSE I am.

I believe wholeheartedly in the Truth of God’s Word which declares I am a child of God. He loved me even when I was at my all time, absolute, disgustingly worst. When I came to acknowledge my absolute inability to even approach anywhere near a degree of perfection when it came to dealing with such an awesome and Holy God, I all but melted away.

It was then, at my most imperfect, that God lifted my face to look into His. He invited my broken spirit to be mended by His Holy Spirit.  He let the love of Jesus Christ do the perfecting for me. WOW!!

Right now, as I struggle related to chronic pain, fatigue and even Foreign Accent Syndrome I must face the fact that these are major hurdles that are guaranteed to keep me from normal goals of excellence. In working with these difficulties  I am finding that nasty old bent toward perfectionism rearing it’s ugly head again. This time, thanks to God’s promises which sustain me, I am learning to say, “Yes. I am a failure. Yes, I have messed up. Yes, I cannot do this under my own power.”

These very thoughts that in the past were used to try to depress me to the point of being totally ineffective are now the very same thoughts that I can accept and answer. “Though each one of those accusations is true. All those imperfections are present in me…but..’I AM doing my best. And (here is the real gem)… GOD LOVES ME ANYWAY!”

This really is too wonderful for me to understand. It is not by denying my failures, or pretending they do not exist, that I find peace. Rather, it is by embracing the fact that it is despite my imperfections that I can enjoy the bliss of perfect love and acceptance of my Blessed Savior.  SELAH.

Do you know this peace too? It really is perfect.

Being “In Love”

Inspired by a friend’s question: his exact post is in italics.

Open discussion post: What does it mean to you to be “in love” with someone?

Do you use that term, and if so, what’s the differentiation between loving someone and being in love with someone. For the sake of discussion, let’s presume romantic interest / attraction – so we’re not just comparing “I love my friends” to “I’m in love with my spouse”, per se. ================

The “in love” phrase leads me to think of the romantically interested in pursuing the relationship with the person even deeper. Feeling like you want to spent every minute just being with them.

However, when it comes to the general defining of loving someone I think there are degrees of love. We who speak English [even foreign accented LOL] are at a distinct disadvantage to other foreign languages like Greek which had at least 3 different words to immediately distinguish which degree of love was meant.

Kindness, friendship, caring, brotherly love, empathetic and sympathetic, nurturing, enticing and even passionate and explosive — we are dependent on adjectives to help us define our love, are we?

Nevertheless, IMHO “Love” at it’s utmost is wanting to do absolutely anything in my ability and within the realm of my moral beliefs for another person’s benefit, even if it means that I must sacrifice something of myself in order to bestow that benefit.

My perfect definition may seem like a cop-out to a lot of people, but I truly believe “God IS Love”.  And Jesus Christ lived as the perfect example. So the more closely I adhere to the practice of treating others as God does, the more loving I am.  Obviously, that doesn’t discount that there is an exclusive expression and bonding that I share with my husband that is of a deeper love than any other human. That is a wonderfully unique fulfillment of the “two shall become one” kind of love that God tells of in the Scriptures.

When we were “falling in love” I think we were infatuated with the feelings of drawing closer together as we saw that the other may truly be the life mate that God intended for us. I believe that we enjoyed being “in love” with one another because we were truly thankful for how the very presence of this loved one made us feel — fulfilled, happy, joyful, “on cloud nine”, tingly, understood, attractive, wanted, needed and cared for.

Steve and I recently celebrated twenty-five years of marriage after dating exactly four years prior to our wedding day. I can honestly say that I am still “in love” with this wonderful man. We have not always had the warm fuzzies for each other, each and every second of those years. However, I can absolutely say that I am more in love with him today than I was when I first met him!

When first dating we all have our best foot forward with fine clothes and dress, hair and makeup all set. Yet, to me personally, that is an external show that anyone can see. Much deeper love comes from peeling that aside and allowing the other person to enter into our inner selves. The transparency that we give to a loved one draws us closer together. Yet it is this act of opening ourselve up, that exposes us not only to deep hurt, but the opportunity for greater love.  True sharing of ourselves with another.

After we communicate the acknowledgements of shortcomings, the need for and grantings of forgiveness, and meeting and surpassing trials ; all of these hurdles have helped to grow our love even deeper because we cling to the true love that comes from God.

God promised in His Word that ALL things that come into our life would work together for our good. Not that each thing that comes into our life is guaranteed to be a good thing at the time. But, that we could trust that it would work out to be for the better. God promised that He would NEVER leave nor forsake us. He loves us so much that there is absolutely nothing that any person, thing, or power can do to separate me from His love. And that includes any stupid things that I do myself which might mess things up! Hallelujah!

Therefore, my answer to what does it mean to “be in love,” is that there is no other person which I would want to be with more, to please more, and to know even more. There is no one else that I can trust with my secrets, shortcomings and fears as much as this person who I am deeply in love with. And finally, when I am not able to be with this loved one in person, I ache with the longing to be with them again.

I’D REALLY VALUE YOUR COMMENTS ABOUT THIS <3

Take My Life

I have chronic pain and chronic fatigue which means I quite often am not allowed by my body to do what “normal” people can do. I understand what the apostle Paul said about buffeting his body, as I regularly must force myself to keep moving when my body literally wants to shut down. Lately, the fatigue has really brought my daily functioning to a prolonged low.

I’m reminded that God uses even me as a “weaker vessel”. Not that I would chose to be weak and unable to be more productive by man’s standards. No way! Like the Apostle Paul asking to have his “thorn in the flesh” removed, God has chosen to not miraculously remove my affliction. Maybe it is to protect me from the sin of pride through accomplishment in my own power. Whatever the reason, I have seen how God can use me this way; flaws and all.  For I KNOW it is nothing that I am bringing to the table. It is truly ALL God.

As it says in the Bible: 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NASB)  ⁹And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness ” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.¹⁰Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

One of my all-time favorite attitude adjuster verses is Phil.4:8-9.
“Whatever things a true, honorable, righteous, pure, lovely, of good repute, excellent or worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.”
I do hope I quoted that correctly, I have memorized it by using the memory minder “THoRP L GREWP”.

So, when I get discouraged by a situation, or set of circumstances, I purpose in my heart to look for the good. It IS there somewhere. I run through the list and go treasure hunting.

I want to end today’s post with some words from a favorite hymn called Take My Life and Let It Be “Take my life and let it be; consecrated, Lord, t0 Thee. Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise, let them flow in ceaseless praise.

I may not have much, but what I do have is all yours, Lord!

Growing Chocolates

Hmmm… I just got a great inspiration from friends Jamie and Terri talking on the radio. They were listing their top five things that they think they spend too much money on. Chocolate!! Why do chocolates cost so much? Because we can’t grow our own.

That got my imagination moving into overdrive. Wonder if we could grow our own chocolates? Wouldn’t that be great? Come on ladies, are you with me here? Imagine with me just for fun.

You’d take your seeds of Nestle (TM) Toll House Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips and place them in a shallow furrow of prepared earth. Of course once you’d placed the seeds in the ground you would carefully mark the row with a dusting line of white powdered sugar so that you could consistently “water” for best production. And we would fertilize with Hershey’s (TM) Cocoa Powder every two weeks for increased flavor.

Naturally, we would not use real H2O. Oh no! We would be “watering” with Hersheys (TM) Dark Chocolate Syrup. We must water at least twice a day until the seedlings start to sprout to a height of two inches when we would thin the row to ensure larger healthier plants. Just go ahead and eat those little seedlings, they are delicious and full of fiber and NO calories. I only grow the best, guilt free variety, you know.

Is your mouth watering yet?  As maturation takes place it is important to watch for unwanted weeds like those pesky rice crunchies and invasive almonds. Oh no you don’t!! This is a pure, rich, melt in your mouth, smooth crop of chocolate we are working on here. Pull those invasives from the roots and chuck them outta there!

Now, remember, our chocolate plants are a “cool weather” crop. Trying to grow them in the months of July and August can easily result in a sticky, melty mess. Fortunately, the chocolate plants are unattractive to the Japanese beetles and slugs that take out so much of the rest of the garden. So, I say, let’s forget about the lettuce and the brocolli and grow ONLY chocolate with a few tomatoes, sweet corn and melons filling in during the hot months.

The nice thing about growing my imaginary chocolate plants is the idea of strolling out into my garden and eating fresh from the garden!! YOU know what I mean. When the true farmer strolls out into the garden to bring in a harvest, one of the perks of the job is eating some of the crop before it even hits the harvesting basket! Oooooh, la la!

Now, dear friends, you know that God chose to start man’s life in a garden. You tell me… what more heavenly garden can there be than a garden full of chocolate? Thanks for coming on this little diversion in divinity with me, it’s always good to share. Anybody else having a chocolate craving?

On My Knees

My friends and followers may have noticed that I’ve not been as
social online over the last week. Why? Lots of reasons, but primarily, high demands of many different projects all coming due at the same time. There were the annual stage props for a production at Madame Walker theatre which my husband and I cranked out in record time. There were additional practices for our band as we performed a benefit fundraiser for some abused kids to be able to go to a Christian summer camp. Finally, there was all the paperwork and organization of a record number of members in our Warren Waggers 4-H Dog club of which I am leader.

All of these activities are a joy to me. However, they all came together at a time where they acted as a kind of “perfect storm” of stress at a time when my Chronic pain and Chronic Fatigue decided to ravage my poor body.

There were many days of zombie-like walking and “what was I just doing?” I’m still not at my normal level of functionality, however I am better than I have been in the last few weeks. So that is why I am up at 12:45 a.m. catching up on blogging and some other postings.

Today was a wonderful day! I have all those big projects behind me so I could insert my thankfulness to God into my prayers that lasted longer today. I spent a LOT more time ‘on my knees’ today since it was the National Day of Prayer. Though President O’bama did not call attention to it, as our previous U.S. President had, I did remember to make it a priority on my schedule of events for the day.

I am concerned for our nation; if we don’t remember to turn to God, how will we know in which direction we should go to receive His blessing? I prayed for our leaders, our communities and especially our families. Even tho’ this particular day of emphasis on prayer comes only once a year, I am thankful for the opportunity it has given me to renew my fervency for prayer.

Our Lord promised in His Word that if we will turn to Him, He will turn toward us and He will heal our land. Though it seems odd, I am thankful for the season of weakness that I’ve had to endure. It allows me to truly acknowledge that through my weakness I am made strong. Like the Apostle Paul, God has seen fit to not remove “the thorn in my flesh” (as Paul called it) even though I’ve prayed for it. Like Paul, I may have taken pride in what “I” accomplished in my own power. This way, I KNOW that ALL my power comes from Him, because I truly am a weak vessel that feels so very weak that I might implode or vaporize with a gentle wind.

So tonight, right before I go to bed, I will once again go down on my knees. After all, that is where I can acknowledge that I never did have the control that I wanted. Even more importantly, it is when I feel most out of control that I can rest assured that my awesome God always was, always will be, and IS in control. Now that’s peace!!

What’s Your Favorite Color?

The question of the week from a friend is
“what does your favorite color say about you?” My answer is PURPLE. That is my favorite color. A deep royal purple along with a vibrant fuschia are my very favorite colors.

I don’t know what it really says about me. I know that many people feel that purple is the color of royalty, but I don’t consider myself to be especially aristocratic or even comfortable with snobbery.

I do think it is interesting that purple is made from the combination of red and blue. Ever since I can remember I have been artistically interested in the way in which colors are made. Red is a hot color and blue a cool one, so if you mix the two you get this lovely “I can be both! ” That is one way of looking at it I suppose.

Purple is found in grapes, beautiful mountain scenery, and the crocus flowers which emerge from the still falling snow to testify to the promise that Spring is not far away. Amathyst is a purple stone that is assigned to my February birth month. A deep purple velvet shows off sparkling jewelry like brilliant stars against a God’s velvety night sky. Purple can be soothing like lavender or bold like a banner.

Yes, purple is my favorite color and I think it says that I am flexible. Neither the hot-tempered demanding red, or apathetic cold blue… I am understanding and approachable; a caring, passionate purple : )

How’s that for an answer JoJo? If you are reading this, will you please comment on what is your favorite color and what does it say about you?