I was enjoying a lovely time out at a local establishment to listen to one of the bands my husband plays bass in; The Usual Suspects. I really do enjoy going to hear them play, not as much as when we play/sing in the same band together, but still a lot of fun. Music is still one of my all time favorite escapes.

I think that may be why it was such a jolt to the night when the normal “where are you from” became more in depth than usual. It turns out that one of the visitor’s for another band member is a doctor from New York and he flat out couldn’t believe me. So I had to go into verification mode at a time that I would have rather been enjoying the music, singing along and joking around with the other people. Don’t get me wrong; I think that it is neat that a young doctor is skeptical, but the timing of this particular encounter was unfortunate.

Because I know how very rare this disorder is, I feel an added responsibility to communicate the information about Foreign Accent Syndrome. However, because I am not a specialist, a doctor or someone who works in the medical field, my words are often held up to greater scrutiny and skepticism by those who do have such professions.

As a result, at a time when I would be relaxing and just enjoying, I now had to go into “work” mode. It is real work to try to describe something that has happened which is so rare. I’d offer proof, he’d counter with another question, and on it went. After several minutes of this, I told him that he should go ahead and look it up on the internet, but not to be surprised when he doesn’t find much information. I am one of 39 medically documented cases in the world . . . ever.

I was relieved to see that he had an internet capable phone so he could continue his query there. Which he did.  So I was able to enjoy the last two songs of the first set.  I was further relieved when my husband joined us at the table and further questions about its authenticity were confirmed for the young doctor. I have nothing against the young man, it simply was a timing issue and the fact that it made me “go there” at a time when I just wanted down time.

It is sad to believe that I can never really escape from this new voice’s impact on my everyday life. It is sadder still that some professional people will question my integrity when faced with something that they don’t know. I think that’s really what bothered me. I am telling the truth here. How can you stand there and call me a liar?  Yes, it IS interesting? But what can we DO about it? What can we learn? How about being helpful instead of being skeptical?

Although I wrote those thoughts from a carnal viewpoint, I do see something to be learned here. First, I can be sensitive to the fact that there are some people who cannot help but be skeptical about things they have no former experience with. Second, I am more sensitive to their insensitivity. I need to realize that it is not his intention to treat me as if I am a liar, although it feels that way to me. This is more mental “work” for me on top of the corrections to my speech as I communicate using this foreign voice.

So the take-away from this little life experience is this: although I thought he was thinking less of my integrity, he really simply couldn’t believe the fascinating medical manifestations. It was not that he wasn’t believing me. I took it too personally. It was simply “unbelievable”!

I thank God that he has given me the wisdom to keep such upsets inside myself so that I didn’t get snippy or impolite. Also, the humor mode that allowed me to take an uncomfortable topic and make light of it at my own expense allows me to lighten up. That gets me through the moment. Then, later,  I can really analyze what transpired so I can prepare for the next time such a thing happens.

Live and learn.

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It was just before the impact and I was waiting for morning rush hour traffic to clear from one of the two major one-way streets located at the end of my commute to work in beautiful Santa Barbara, California. I knew that I had to wait a few moments more before the traffic cleared. So I took the opportunity to shoot up a praise to God. “What a gorgeous morning it is Father. There is not a single cloud in the sky.” Additionally I am going to be early for work, and I am excelling at my job.

Looking back on that moment now, I realize that was the last minute in which I had no chronic pain in my life. I really do forget what that felt like. Perhaps God answered me with ” Oh sure, you think it’s beautiful and hunky dory now, but let’s just see what you think in a minute.” I believe that in Heaven, God was gathering the angels to watch what was going to happen next.

After crossing the intersection, I noticed that a car traveling in the opposite direction quickly pulled along the opposite curb as it going to park. But then it happened. The sudden impact broadsided me full force as the black bumper of the Civic instantly crushed my Left Ankle. I found myself startled (WHAT just happened), in great pain as my foot was hit by the car then pushed off the peg, and dragging along the pavement. On top of all that, my head was wizzing by the bumpers of cars parked on my side of the street as I was still moving forward although at an angle of a track bike (like the GT racers we just saw here in Indy).

I jerked with all my might to keep from going down. All the while it occurred to me that I am now driving on the wrong side of the street (from jerking up), my foots dragging, and I must stop in just a few yards BEFORE I enter the intersection with the other major one-way street. AAAAAAH!

This is where I testify to the miracle on my motorcycle. God was at work greatly in my life. He got me to stop the motorcycle before getting hit again. I did NOT go down even though broadsided. I think part of the credit for that goes to the fact that I raced bicycles at Major Taylor Velodrome and in racing class and training we would purposefully jam our bicycles into each other to learn how to avoid wrecks and react to unexpected pedal in your spokes.

Once I had managed to stop the forward movement of the cycle, I was standing there with both hand squeezing the calipers on the handlebar (clutch and brake). I was managing to stay balanced on my one right leg, but it was heavy and my other foot was mangled. What was worse is that I couldn’t shift the cycle into neutral because it would have been done by my useless left foot. I was stuck there!!

Just then, a VERY pregnant woman came up the sidewalk to help me. I remember thinking that the gutteral screams that came out of me were not very feminine (surprised that I sounded like a guy) and that I could even scare her away if I didn’t quiet them.

She came up to me and saw that I had a problem, but couldn’t hear me very well through the running of the motorcycle and due to the fact that the visor of my full face helmet was down. So she was fumbling around trying to undo my helmet. I swallowed all screams of pain and yelled, “PUT… the KICKSTAND…. DOWN!” Once she did that, I killed the bike by turning off the key with the assurance of the kickstand there to keep me from falling over.

I took off my helmet and looked down at my foot. It looked like the ends of two of my toes were missing and I knew that my ankle foot was broken. The lady had called the police and ambulance and wanted to help me to the sidewalk. I initially declined since she looked like she would deliver her baby if she lifted half of my weight. However the incessant throbbing convinced me that I should accept her offer.

We managed to get me to the sidewalk, a couple of very painful steps, and then I was down. Only then did I see that the only damage to the motorcycle was to the left case guard that helps protect the engine… a $50 part!! Another miracle.

Yes, God saw to it that I did not go down, that I had NO other damage to my body other than my left knee, leg, ankle and foot. Do you realize that if I had gone down I wouldn’t have been able to even use crutches?

May I just say something about crutches. When I am using them I get the “oh, you poor thing” look from everyone. Others using crutches say, ‘don’t you just HATE having to use crutches?” My answer is a resounding “NO.” I love these crutches. This is the original pair and if they had an odometer on them it would have tripped over the 100,000 mile mark about three times. I don’t know what I would have done without them.

When I am on crutches I can really move!! Just ask my friends. Unfortunately, right now I am recovering from a shoulder injury and can’t use them yet. So I appreciate them all the more, because without their use I am much more limited. Still I do have the famous “black boot” that I can throw on when I am expecting to be “slammin’” (on my feet or walking a lot). Again, I get the looks and the questions “what happened, did you have another surgery?”

I know that people are generally caring and tend to think that injuries are supposed to get better. But the sad fact is that some of us are never going to recover from our injuries. Not in this lifetime anyway. These appliances (crutches, canes, boots, funny shoes) are just our ways to cope in the meantime. To try to live a productive life in spite of the physical challenges.
I now joke that I have been through probably about a dozen sets of guardian angels. They draw lots up there to NOT have to get me as a client.

Almost half of my life has now been in constant pain.
As a competitive long distance runner I used to just push through the pain. No pain, no gain, right? Maybe so, but you will notice that I don’t run anymore. I can’t. If it’s an emergency or something I can lope along with the understanding that I will have to pay a physical price. I’ll be “lame” for a few days, and have to go back to using my crutches.

Worse than that, I often don’t realize that I’m overdoing until after it is too late. Again because my way of dealing with pain was to mentally ‘shove it aside’, I use a kind of self-hypnosis that worked well for me as an athlete, but that can do damage to me now.

Since I am allergic to almost all pain medicines, I can take none. So I really am in constant pain every moment I am awake. But there are a couple of coping skills that I have learned that work for me. Music is the biggest one. When I sing or play, it is a painkiller for me. It helps that I like to sing praises to God with our church worship team and jam on mandolin and guitar with friends. That’s why you’ll hear me turn almost any sentence into the lyric and break out into song.

Another painkiller is laughter. My friends help me with this one. Laughter is the best medicine is tried and true. I know that depression is just a natural outcome when someone is dealing with chronic anything. There are chemical things happening in the brain with seratonin and endorphins and such. Since I am unable to be as physically active as I was as an athlete it’s even more important that I laugh. Like exercise, laughter increases the endorphins; the body’s natural pain killers.

So that is why when you first meet me you may think that I am very silly. I am learning to roll with the punches and not take things too seriously. I realize that things could ALWAYS be worse. And, in many people’s cases, they are. However, I also realize that no matter what happens it is all under God’s control.

Let God be God: get out of the way.
So my plans to be a nurse practitioner were trashed, as were the ability to participate in a lot of the exercises and sports competitions that I enjoyed. Now I have a permanent disability that prevents me from enjoying the life I wanted to live. Besides the walking, standing, foot down time and distance limitations, I have the physical drain of the constant pain. Think about it, when you are in pain you get tired more easily, don’t you. I think part of that is from swallowing down the pain, not expressing it through some means. The other problem is the emotional drain. Frustration of not being able to do what I once did, it’s never going to get better than this, the extra time that adaptability methods require. It just takes more time to do things.

For me, with my bent toward perfectionism, I need to get rid of the “would have,” “could have,” “should have” statements. It just is what it is. I am not God. I am learning more and more the importance of the Serenity Prayer:
“God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change [past, not in my control], Courage to change the things I can [focus on what I CAN do, and learn new ways to adapt], and the Wisdom to know the difference.”

Over the last 21 years, I have learned a lot. I would not have chosen these events. But I now see where God was in control the entire time. “I know the plans I have for you…. plans for hope and a future,” is what God tells me in Isaiah. It is not the path that I would have willingly chosen for myself… motorcycle crash, crushed leg, 31 surgeries, pain and disappointments…. “sure, sign me up.” Nonetheless, I am blessed beyond measure. I have become a stronger person who is learning to take my value less from what I do and more for Who’s I am.

I joke about the fact that with so many surgeries and stuff, the guardian angels have to draw lots in hopes of not getting me as an assignment. I’m sure I have worn out at least a dozen sets. I know that like Paul, God has allowed me to be molded through trials. That if I hadn’t had all this happen TO me, because He cares FOR me, I would probably have been a prideful, arrogant, competitive jerk. So when the trumpet sounds, get ready to eat my dust… cause I’m going to be running into glory!

==== Today I am celebrating the fact that though this event was traumatic, it began a new direction in my life. A major turn for what I Biblically believe is guananteed to be for the better.

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It is now so late at night that I simply cannot continue. I must go to bed. Plus Oliver (the parrot) is in bed and he added that extra something to the video.

Therefore the irony of this post which started out to incorporate news mostly delivered by a nice little video, is now Kaput!!!  As today’s geeks would say…”FAIL”.

It is funny that the very thing that I was reporting on is that my brain is not working right, my speech is still not right, and now, even my attempt at posting it on the internet is not right.  I can take a hint; it’s bedtime.  Just like so many of life’s other frustrations and attempts to stop me in my tracks, this is not a brick wall to stop me… rather… it’s just another hurdle to jump.

However, this hurdler is going to reenergize with some sleep before we go at it again.

Cartoon from http://www.runningromans.com

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Eastside Ellen and Fishers Fran shake up a local Steak 'n' Shake. ---Photo by waitress Cloe.

medical condition that causes a person to speak with a foreign accent that is not their own) and live in the Indy area.

Fran had some friends tell her about hearing me on the WIBC 93.1 FM radio spots I’ve been doing over the last couple Tuesday mornings by invitation of the Morning Show personalities Terri Stacy and Big Joe Stayzniak. Her friends told her that she must listen. Then Fran took the initiative to call the radio station and they passed along my name and told her I was on FaceBook where she sent me a message.

Last Tuesday evening when we first spoke by phone, Fran had her normal voice. Her foreign accent came on suddenly for her along with left side neuromuscular symptoms back in 2005. Unlike me, her regular voice has returned, but she does have episodes where the accent returns for a few days. In fact she recently was interviewed about her Foreign Accent Syndrome story in an article for the April Issue of a magazine that is popular with the Catholic faith. I am sorry that I do not have the publications name right now, but I will edit this post when I have it.

Today she called to say that her voice has “flipped” so that she has the accent again. Her voice does have strong similarities to my own, but is definitely different. She can say some long “A” sounds that I cannot, and I can pronounce the “SK” sound that she cannot. So it was very enlightening as we met at a northeast side Steak and Shake for a friendly supper. Many patrons stared as we spoke and laughed together. Our waitress asked the inevitable “where are you from” question. To which we both smiled and replied “where do you think?”  “Think” was  pronounced “Sink” by Fran and more like “Tink” by me. Our waitress took a while to understand the fact that we are not FROM Europe and now living in the Indiana. Rather, we are both Midwestern Americans who are speaking with very strong foreign accents.  She guessed Fran as more Eastern European and me she placed as Irish. LOL. Anyway our waitress Cloe was kind enough to snap our photo with my camera.

Given that there have been reportedly less than one hundred cases of Foreign Accent Syndrome ever reported worldwide and that so very few people, including medical professionals, have even heard of the affliction, I believe our budding friendship is an answer to prayer! It was encouraging to talk to someone who understands what it feels like to not have the voice/accent you have had your whole life. I feel greatly blessed by meeting her, and especially since she is within short driving distance.

We may have discovered a new comedy team in the making as well. We thoroughly entertained Fran’s daughters and husband with our silliness as we each corrected the others accent.  Though our accents have some similar qualities, Fran sounds more Eastern block European (more Russian), whereas my accent sounds more French mixed with Norwegian. Her husband said that we sound like we are from different parts of Europe, but European all the same. I think it was an encouragement to her family as well as we were able to lightheartedly share our stories. Her family was able to see another person with the same thing happening so that they could feel less alone in the peculiarity of it.

Below is the link to a video that her daughter Celia shot of us. Please be kind to us as this was totally impromptu shooting so I am not wearing any make up and am looking more unkempt than I would have liked. However, the spontaneity of the shoot makes it too good not to post.

Foreign Accent Syndrome Friends

Now, I really would like to hear what you think about this post so please leave a comment. Thanks.

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All of these activities are a joy to me. However, they all came together at a time where they acted as a kind of “perfect storm” of stress at a time when my Chronic pain and Chronic Fatigue decided to ravage my poor body.

There were many days of zombie-like walking and “what was I just doing?” I’m still not at my normal level of functionality, however I am better than I have been in the last few weeks. So that is why I am up at 12:45 a.m. catching up on blogging and some other postings.

Today was a wonderful day! I have all those big projects behind me so I could insert my thankfulness to God into my prayers that lasted longer today. I spent a LOT more time ‘on my knees’ today since it was the National Day of Prayer. Though President O’bama did not call attention to it, as our previous U.S. President had, I did remember to make it a priority on my schedule of events for the day.

I am concerned for our nation; if we don’t remember to turn to God, how will we know in which direction we should go to receive His blessing? I prayed for our leaders, our communities and especially our families. Even tho’ this particular day of emphasis on prayer comes only once a year, I am thankful for the opportunity it has given me to renew my fervency for prayer.

Our Lord promised in His Word that if we will turn to Him, He will turn toward us and He will heal our land. Though it seems odd, I am thankful for the season of weakness that I’ve had to endure. It allows me to truly acknowledge that through my weakness I am made strong. Like the Apostle Paul, God has seen fit to not remove “the thorn in my flesh” (as Paul called it) even though I’ve prayed for it. Like Paul, I may have taken pride in what “I” accomplished in my own power. This way, I KNOW that ALL my power comes from Him, because I truly am a weak vessel that feels so very weak that I might implode or vaporize with a gentle wind.

So tonight, right before I go to bed, I will once again go down on my knees. After all, that is where I can acknowledge that I never did have the control that I wanted. Even more importantly, it is when I feel most out of control that I can rest assured that my awesome God always was, always will be, and IS in control. Now that’s peace!!

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There have been many, many twists and turns in the month of December 2008 for me and my family. So, here at the very beginning of 2009 I would like a Do-Over.

I’d like to just start fresh with a clean slate from square One.

IF it were possible this is what I’d do:
– erase ALL of my email inbox right now without reading any of it. Just tell my friends to resend anything that is important.
– take all the post-it stickies all over my desk office and spilling out into other areas of the home and miraculously have the info on them stored where it should be or thrown away!
– have a very trusted friend come into my home and help me blast through the piles of receipts and papers and files and throw out all of it except the “important” (defined by taxes, medical, assets). Now that I think about it…it might take more like a group of friends… but they’d need to know what they’re doing, ‘cuz Lord Knows, I don’t.
– tear up my Social Security Card and recreate my identity. Start with fresh credit records, medical records and all the other “Past”, so I could have it stop dragging me back into the past.

I really think it would be funny if someone stole MY identity… they wouldn’t know what they were getting into. They certainly couldn’t go out and ruin my credit… we don’t use credit cards and there are so many medical bills that they would receive instant justice when all those bills came to them!

Do you remember that pop song [Talking Heads "Once In a Lifetime"] where the guy wakes up in Hollywood and he asks himself “Well… How did I get here? ” Well, that is what is running through my mind right now. HOW did I get here? One major life twist after another. Especially as it pertains to health issues, my time up until now has been chaotic when it comes to keeping things filed away in an organizational manner. On top of that the papers just keep comin’ in.

I don’t really make a list of New Year’s Resolutions because I know that it is beyond anything that I can do apart from God’s power. Rather I do reflect and see where I can improve in the upcoming year. One of my top priorities for 2009… get out from under the paper mountain and stop some of the inflow of more paper… UNLESS or course it’s the green variety with the numbers on it. Making money using my skills is also at the top of my list.

I’d say “wish me luck,” but I really don’t need that. However, if you want to pray for my discernment of doing that which is right and obedient as I learn to sort this all out… please do.

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I would rather spend all day out there than do laundry, wash dishes, vacuum or grocery shop. There is just something about digging into the dirt, breaking up the tough crust of the earth and pulling out the weeds that is therapeutic. The feel of the worked soil and the actual smell of the earth and fresh plants adds to the sense of feeling like I’m a part of creation.

Since my shoulder injury at the beginning of July, I am really missing the time that I used to spend gardening. Even mowing the grass was “gardening” to me. Plus, I would be getting fresh air and exercise. Alas, my bum right shoulder is severely painful and limits what I can do.

This past Friday, I received the bad news that I would need to cut physical therapy short and go back to my family doctor for more diagnostic tests (probably an MRI). I simply am NOT getting better even with what PT I can do. In fact I’m getting worse. The therapist thought I should be further in recovery if nothing worse was wrong… so… back to the doctor I will go. UUUGH>- -<

This is bad news for my gardening urges. I have managed to stay on top of critical issues like watering, feeding; dead-heading and harvesting. However… here in Indy we have had quite a bit of rain and the weather is fabulous so vegetation is getting the density of a jungle. And this shoulder makes it extremely difficult to pull weeds. Hoeing/// Forget about it! Running the mower or weed-eater… No Way!

So I must watch in dismay as my garden looks so much more scraggly than it should. I must ask for help from my husband to do things that I would normally do. Humble pie just does not taste as good as the cherry kind.

“Whatever things are true, honest, righteous, pure, lovely, of good repute, excellent or worthy of praise let your mind dwell on these things. . .” Phillipians 4:8,9

Click here to view To snap out of these bummed shoulder blues… I decided to finally post the many photos I have taken of my garden and flowers so far this year. I hope you all enjoy them.

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To be in the shadows is to have all the joy sucked out of every aspect of my life. It is the fear of the unknown. The realization that I can’t stay in this place. It is drudgery, bleakness and hopelessness. Or is it???

You see… I believe that the shadow can be seen in another way. As I acknowledge the shadow for that which it truly is, I needn’t fear. For a shadow is simply a result of a light shining beyond an obstacle. It is not solid and cannot hurt me. It has no course of its own. No ill intent against me personally. It simply exists to testify that there is a great light nearby. It is the light that has the power; not the shadow.

Walking down the pathway of my life and journey through pain, I experience the shadows of depression stretching toward me from time to time. However, if I remember the insight above I can overcome the despair of the shadows and realize the hope that is there.

For, if the shadow is reaching toward me, and I face it, I know that I am heading in the Light direction. The darker that the shadow appears, the more intense is the light that forms it.
My friend, I pray that you remember these words and draw upon the encouragement that is intended to help you as we travel this path together. Experience the joy as we draw closer to the light!

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