First, honestly assess where I am. I am in poor health and am driving myself unrealistically to do more things which only increases stress and puts importance on achievement of activities to determine my success. WRONG! This Christmas, God gave me the gift of honestly facing the fact that I have serious physical limitations that may never go away. Rather than being mournful over the time that I’ve lost, I want to celebrate what I can do.

So, secondly, I used the current Women in the Word Bible study materials that we are using called “Seeking Him” to launch me into personal inspection for the purpose of spiritual revival. I have been searching for how I have been falling short of God’s best for me. As a result, I went to my husband and a pastoral mentor and we did a great deal of growing.

Thirdly, this friend suggested that we follow the Bible’s instruction “Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord.” –James 5:14.  On December 27th, 2009 Steve, Michelle and I went into Pastor’s office and were surrounded by the deacons of the church and I received encouragement and much prayer. Many of them had not been aware that the Chronic Fatigue has been a battle for fifteen years, the chronic pain since Sept. 1987 and now the mysteries of the Foreign Accent Syndrome posed it’s own challenges. These men blessed our family greatly at that event.

Through a series of events and with the help of FaceBook on the internet, I met a Christian lady who did network marketing of a supplement product that we believed might help me. I was given a two week sample and I tried it. It is called MaxGXL. It is a glucothione accelerator which works at the mitochonrial cellular level and has had wonderful effects! There was a period of some detox side effects like headache, but my energy increased so that I was actually able to do more.

I am experiencing more stamina now, and so have been able to actually reorganize my pantry. It may sound like a little thing to most people, but it is something I count as a blessing.

Next, I came to the understanding that I do have great mental challenges when it comes to categorization. However, I simply don’t know what to do about it. It greatly effects my inability to file papers and organize things. I do well with my artwork materials because I have those relationships ingrained, but many other things have me stumped.  I have noticed the problem over the last two tax seasons, but it has gotten increasingly worse. I have told Steve of the problem, however, whether he doesn’t understand that I have a problem or simply doesn’t know what to do about it, in either case I am still in need of help.

Therefore, I did the next hardest thing to admitting I have a problem. I asked for help!  Now, when it comes to finding that person to help me, I am not asking someone to just come in and work at cleaning my place up. No! I am more than willing to do the work, although I wouldn’t turn down the help :0) because there is so much backlog. What I really need is someone to come in and teach me methodology. I need to be taught a process which before now just came naturally. What do I do with this? It is very humbling, but I am desperately in need of that help.

I have set, what I believe to be a realistic goal for myself, to have things in order around the house before the end of March. It really needs to be straightened out yesterday, but I am trying to be sensitive to what is a reasonable goal so that I can break it down to doable tasks.

I would appreciate your prayers in this, as that certain person or persons to come meet this need that I have so earnestly prayed for has not yet arrived. And as I attempt to do it on my own, I seem to make more messes, before I make any small progress.

All in all, January has been a time to “turn the page” as I start a new chapter. I have been attempting to accurately assess where I am, address what I can reasonably change, ask for help, and make definite progress as I seek God’s best for me. Prayer and studying God’s Word have been foundational in keeping me moving forward through the trials. It is so hard, but so worthwhile when I realize that as I put forth my best God will honor my efforts by transforming me to be better than I was before.

Here’s to new beginnings . . . and the God of all grace who makes it possible!

Related Posts

• Imperfect Perfection
• The Reason for the Silence
• Crashed and Turned

Either way I see it as both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand I can say that this perfectionism has given me the “eye” for detail. I can generally tell with a quick glance if something is amiss, awry or off-kilter. This especially comes in handy when I am rendering a drawing or painting that is realistic. It also gives those I work for the assurance that I am going to give great attention to the accuracy and detail of a job. I am by nature highly motivated, driven to do the best I can, and determined to see a task through to the end.

So what’s the downside? I am the most critical of my own work. It was so bad when I was younger that I couldn’t keep any of my own paintings because I would look at it and see something that was a bit off or could have been done better. As a runner, I would always strive to go further, go faster. As a daughter, wife or friend I would do everything to be the “best”.  Oh, I was what some would call an overachiever, a competitor that didn’t know when to quit. Why? Because, I felt that my best was NEVER good enough.

It was in college, working for the Department of Graphic Communications Chair (he was also a perfectionist) that I learned a bit of a trick in fighting this troubling trait. He told me, “If the client likes it, it is good enough.”  Never mind that you think it would be better this way, in these colors or whatever. If my job is to produce a piece that the client likes, then the moment he says “that’s good,” it IS good. Period.

Wow!  What a revelation. Just by proclaiming something good, it IS good. There really is such a thing as “Good Enough”.  What a concept.

As I am currently struggling with some physical challenges right now, I have been forced to look at the increased frustrations and disappointment associated with the realization that I simply cannot do what “normal” people can expect to do. Nor, even, what I could do myself in years previous. I am starting to have those thoughts of not measuring up. Maybe those who used to love me will tire of me and discard me as “a problem” or “broken” and unable to be “fixed”.

However, these are feelings that I cannot trust. These feelings would have me believe that I am what I do; that it is my performance that determines my worth. You know what I am learning? (Not that I have attained a full working degree of mastery here, yet).  I am learning that these thoughts based on feeling are untrustworthy. Lies!

My value really is not based on what I can or cannot do. It is not based on quotas of projects completed, grades, money earned or invested. It is not based on if my hair is styled just so, or if I am wearing the latest clothing fashion. My value is not even determined on if my husband or child is pleased with my cooking or even if they are angry with me.

No. None of that is the real basis of my value. What I believe to be true as I study my Bible (if only my feelings would grasp that truth more) is that my value comes not from what I DO, or to what degree of perfection I perform, but from WHOSE I am.

I believe wholeheartedly in the Truth of God’s Word which declares I am a child of God. He loved me even when I was at my all time, absolute, disgustingly worst. When I came to acknowledge my absolute inability to even approach anywhere near a degree of perfection when it came to dealing with such an awesome and Holy God, I all but melted away.

It was then, at my most imperfect, that God lifted my face to look into His. He invited my broken spirit to be mended by His Holy Spirit.  He let the love of Jesus Christ do the perfecting for me. WOW!!

Right now, as I struggle related to chronic pain, fatigue and even Foreign Accent Syndrome I must face the fact that these are major hurdles that are guaranteed to keep me from normal goals of excellence. In working with these difficulties  I am finding that nasty old bent toward perfectionism rearing it’s ugly head again. This time, thanks to God’s promises which sustain me, I am learning to say, “Yes. I am a failure. Yes, I have messed up. Yes, I cannot do this under my own power.”

These very thoughts that in the past were used to try to depress me to the point of being totally ineffective are now the very same thoughts that I can accept and answer. “Though each one of those accusations is true. All those imperfections are present in me…but..’I AM doing my best. And (here is the real gem)… GOD LOVES ME ANYWAY!”

This really is too wonderful for me to understand. It is not by denying my failures, or pretending they do not exist, that I find peace. Rather, it is by embracing the fact that it is despite my imperfections that I can enjoy the bliss of perfect love and acceptance of my Blessed Savior.  SELAH.

Do you know this peace too? It really is perfect.

Related Posts

• Turning the Page
• Crashed and Turned
• FAS Friends

It was just before the impact and I was waiting for morning rush hour traffic to clear from one of the two major one-way streets located at the end of my commute to work in beautiful Santa Barbara, California. I knew that I had to wait a few moments more before the traffic cleared. So I took the opportunity to shoot up a praise to God. “What a gorgeous morning it is Father. There is not a single cloud in the sky.” Additionally I am going to be early for work, and I am excelling at my job.

Looking back on that moment now, I realize that was the last minute in which I had no chronic pain in my life. I really do forget what that felt like. Perhaps God answered me with ” Oh sure, you think it’s beautiful and hunky dory now, but let’s just see what you think in a minute.” I believe that in Heaven, God was gathering the angels to watch what was going to happen next.

After crossing the intersection, I noticed that a car traveling in the opposite direction quickly pulled along the opposite curb as it going to park. But then it happened. The sudden impact broadsided me full force as the black bumper of the Civic instantly crushed my Left Ankle. I found myself startled (WHAT just happened), in great pain as my foot was hit by the car then pushed off the peg, and dragging along the pavement. On top of all that, my head was wizzing by the bumpers of cars parked on my side of the street as I was still moving forward although at an angle of a track bike (like the GT racers we just saw here in Indy).

I jerked with all my might to keep from going down. All the while it occurred to me that I am now driving on the wrong side of the street (from jerking up), my foots dragging, and I must stop in just a few yards BEFORE I enter the intersection with the other major one-way street. AAAAAAH!

This is where I testify to the miracle on my motorcycle. God was at work greatly in my life. He got me to stop the motorcycle before getting hit again. I did NOT go down even though broadsided. I think part of the credit for that goes to the fact that I raced bicycles at Major Taylor Velodrome and in racing class and training we would purposefully jam our bicycles into each other to learn how to avoid wrecks and react to unexpected pedal in your spokes.

Once I had managed to stop the forward movement of the cycle, I was standing there with both hand squeezing the calipers on the handlebar (clutch and brake). I was managing to stay balanced on my one right leg, but it was heavy and my other foot was mangled. What was worse is that I couldn’t shift the cycle into neutral because it would have been done by my useless left foot. I was stuck there!!

Just then, a VERY pregnant woman came up the sidewalk to help me. I remember thinking that the gutteral screams that came out of me were not very feminine (surprised that I sounded like a guy) and that I could even scare her away if I didn’t quiet them.

She came up to me and saw that I had a problem, but couldn’t hear me very well through the running of the motorcycle and due to the fact that the visor of my full face helmet was down. So she was fumbling around trying to undo my helmet. I swallowed all screams of pain and yelled, “PUT… the KICKSTAND…. DOWN!” Once she did that, I killed the bike by turning off the key with the assurance of the kickstand there to keep me from falling over.

I took off my helmet and looked down at my foot. It looked like the ends of two of my toes were missing and I knew that my ankle foot was broken. The lady had called the police and ambulance and wanted to help me to the sidewalk. I initially declined since she looked like she would deliver her baby if she lifted half of my weight. However the incessant throbbing convinced me that I should accept her offer.

We managed to get me to the sidewalk, a couple of very painful steps, and then I was down. Only then did I see that the only damage to the motorcycle was to the left case guard that helps protect the engine… a $50 part!! Another miracle.

Yes, God saw to it that I did not go down, that I had NO other damage to my body other than my left knee, leg, ankle and foot. Do you realize that if I had gone down I wouldn’t have been able to even use crutches?

May I just say something about crutches. When I am using them I get the “oh, you poor thing” look from everyone. Others using crutches say, ‘don’t you just HATE having to use crutches?” My answer is a resounding “NO.” I love these crutches. This is the original pair and if they had an odometer on them it would have tripped over the 100,000 mile mark about three times. I don’t know what I would have done without them.

When I am on crutches I can really move!! Just ask my friends. Unfortunately, right now I am recovering from a shoulder injury and can’t use them yet. So I appreciate them all the more, because without their use I am much more limited. Still I do have the famous “black boot” that I can throw on when I am expecting to be “slammin’” (on my feet or walking a lot). Again, I get the looks and the questions “what happened, did you have another surgery?”

I know that people are generally caring and tend to think that injuries are supposed to get better. But the sad fact is that some of us are never going to recover from our injuries. Not in this lifetime anyway. These appliances (crutches, canes, boots, funny shoes) are just our ways to cope in the meantime. To try to live a productive life in spite of the physical challenges.
I now joke that I have been through probably about a dozen sets of guardian angels. They draw lots up there to NOT have to get me as a client.

Almost half of my life has now been in constant pain.
As a competitive long distance runner I used to just push through the pain. No pain, no gain, right? Maybe so, but you will notice that I don’t run anymore. I can’t. If it’s an emergency or something I can lope along with the understanding that I will have to pay a physical price. I’ll be “lame” for a few days, and have to go back to using my crutches.

Worse than that, I often don’t realize that I’m overdoing until after it is too late. Again because my way of dealing with pain was to mentally ‘shove it aside’, I use a kind of self-hypnosis that worked well for me as an athlete, but that can do damage to me now.

Since I am allergic to almost all pain medicines, I can take none. So I really am in constant pain every moment I am awake. But there are a couple of coping skills that I have learned that work for me. Music is the biggest one. When I sing or play, it is a painkiller for me. It helps that I like to sing praises to God with our church worship team and jam on mandolin and guitar with friends. That’s why you’ll hear me turn almost any sentence into the lyric and break out into song.

Another painkiller is laughter. My friends help me with this one. Laughter is the best medicine is tried and true. I know that depression is just a natural outcome when someone is dealing with chronic anything. There are chemical things happening in the brain with seratonin and endorphins and such. Since I am unable to be as physically active as I was as an athlete it’s even more important that I laugh. Like exercise, laughter increases the endorphins; the body’s natural pain killers.

So that is why when you first meet me you may think that I am very silly. I am learning to roll with the punches and not take things too seriously. I realize that things could ALWAYS be worse. And, in many people’s cases, they are. However, I also realize that no matter what happens it is all under God’s control.

Let God be God: get out of the way.
So my plans to be a nurse practitioner were trashed, as were the ability to participate in a lot of the exercises and sports competitions that I enjoyed. Now I have a permanent disability that prevents me from enjoying the life I wanted to live. Besides the walking, standing, foot down time and distance limitations, I have the physical drain of the constant pain. Think about it, when you are in pain you get tired more easily, don’t you. I think part of that is from swallowing down the pain, not expressing it through some means. The other problem is the emotional drain. Frustration of not being able to do what I once did, it’s never going to get better than this, the extra time that adaptability methods require. It just takes more time to do things.

For me, with my bent toward perfectionism, I need to get rid of the “would have,” “could have,” “should have” statements. It just is what it is. I am not God. I am learning more and more the importance of the Serenity Prayer:
“God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change [past, not in my control], Courage to change the things I can [focus on what I CAN do, and learn new ways to adapt], and the Wisdom to know the difference.”

Over the last 21 years, I have learned a lot. I would not have chosen these events. But I now see where God was in control the entire time. “I know the plans I have for you…. plans for hope and a future,” is what God tells me in Isaiah. It is not the path that I would have willingly chosen for myself… motorcycle crash, crushed leg, 31 surgeries, pain and disappointments…. “sure, sign me up.” Nonetheless, I am blessed beyond measure. I have become a stronger person who is learning to take my value less from what I do and more for Who’s I am.

I joke about the fact that with so many surgeries and stuff, the guardian angels have to draw lots in hopes of not getting me as an assignment. I’m sure I have worn out at least a dozen sets. I know that like Paul, God has allowed me to be molded through trials. That if I hadn’t had all this happen TO me, because He cares FOR me, I would probably have been a prideful, arrogant, competitive jerk. So when the trumpet sounds, get ready to eat my dust… cause I’m going to be running into glory!

==== Today I am celebrating the fact that though this event was traumatic, it began a new direction in my life. A major turn for what I Biblically believe is guananteed to be for the better.

Related Posts

• Imperfect Perfection
• Miracle on My Motorcyle
• Leg Work: a bit of bone surgery

You see, due to all the surgeries on my left (leg, ankle, foot, fusions, staples, screws and metal rod, etc….) biomechanics make me walk oddly across my right foot. Over time my big toe started turning more to cross over my other toes and metatarsal bone started shifting position.

So this surgery required opening from above, aligning the metatarsal bone with the others, and then taking another wedge of bone from big toe bones. That’s right… with my surgeon’s talent… I will now be straightened out and fly…. um, er, … “walk” right. LOL

Surgery is over, and the healing begins. Since I am allergic to pain meds it makes it a painful process, but I have gotten great relief from the surgically placed pain block (now worn off) and some morpheine. The few pills they did give me for take home are helping for now, tho’ the itchiness is building. Eventually, the rash reaction will outweigh the benefit of the pain and I’ll stop taking it. Hopefully, I can endure for the first three worst pain days.

I am therefore back on my crutches. My good ol’ friends that help hold me up as I heal. These are the original ones I got 21 years ago when all of this started. Faithfulness is the word. If these things had an odometer on them like a vehicle, they would have tripped over the 100,000 miles mark at least 4 times. : P

However, upon leaving the hospital yesterday, I was issued a new “boot” as I have now worn out my second one to shreds. I usually resole, put on new velcro and keep going. This new boot is more hard-shell plastic so will probably last even longer w/o shredding the neoprene and velcro of the fabric. It is a more visible light gray color instead of the black that I am used to. Which means I’m gonna have a harder time disguising it. Oh well, que sera.

Thanks to my Loving God, I can still celebrate walking with Him, even when I am not walking — think about it. My soul can dance even while I am on crutches. Time to heal or is it heel? LOL

Related Posts

• Without a Leg to Stand On
• Leg Work: a bit of bone surgery
• Crashed and Turned

It was just before the impact and I was waiting for morning rush hour traffic to clear from one of the two major one-way streets located at the end of my commute to work in beautiful Santa Barbara, California. I knew that I had to wait a few moments more before the traffic cleared. So I took the opportunity to shoot up a praise to God. “What a gorgeous morning it is Father. There is not a single cloud in the sky.” Additionally I am going to be early for work, and I am excelling at my job.

Looking back on that moment now, I realize that was the last minute in which I had no chronic pain in my life. I really do forget what that felt like. Perhaps God answered me with ” Oh sure, you think it’s beautiful and hunky dory now, but let’s just see what you think in a minute.” I believe that in Heaven, God was gathering the angels to watch what was going to happen next.

After crossing the intersection, I noticed that a car traveling in the opposite direction quickly pulled along the opposite curb as it going to park. But then it happened. The sudden impact broadsided me full force as the black bumper of the Civic instantly crushed my Left Ankle. I found myself startled (WHAT just happened), in great pain as my foot was hit by the car then pushed off the peg, and dragging along the pavement. On top of all that, my head was wizzing by the bumpers of cars parked on my side of the street as I was still moving forward although at an angle of a track bike (like the GT racers we just saw here in Indy).

I jerked with all my might to keep from going down. All the while it occurred to me that I am now driving on the wrong side of the street (from jerking up), my foots dragging, and I must stop in just a few yards BEFORE I enter the intersection with the other major one-way street. AAAAAAH!

This is where I testify to the miracle on my motorcycle. God was at work greatly in my life. He got me to stop the motorcycle before getting hit again. I did NOT go down even though broadsided. I think part of the credit for that goes to the fact that I raced bicycles at Major Taylor Velodrome and in racing class and training we would purposefully jam our bicycles into each other to learn how to avoid wrecks and react to unexpected pedal in your spokes.

Once I had managed to stop the forward movement of the cycle, I was standing there with both hand squeezing the calipers on the handlebar (clutch and brake). I was managing to stay balanced on my one right leg, but it was heavy and my other foot was mangled. What was worse is that I couldn’t shift the cycle into neutral because it would have been done by my useless left foot. I was stuck there!!

Just then, a VERY pregnant woman came up the sidewalk to help me. I remember thinking that the gutteral screams that came out of me were not very feminine (surprised that I sounded like a guy) and that I could even scare her away if I didn’t quiet them.

She came up to me and saw that I had a problem, but couldn’t hear me very well through the running of the motorcycle and due to the fact that the visor of my full face helmet was down. So she was fumbling around trying to undo my helmet. I swallowed all screams of pain and yelled, “PUT… the KICKSTAND…. DOWN!” Once she did that, I killed the bike by turning off the key with the assurance of the kickstand there to keep me from falling over.

I took off my helmet and looked down at my foot. It looked like the ends of two of my toes were missing and I knew that my ankle foot was broken. The lady had called the police and ambulance and wanted to help me to the sidewalk. I initially declined since she looked like she would deliver her baby if she lifted half of my weight. However the incessant throbbing convinced me that I should accept her offer.

We managed to get me to the sidewalk, a couple of very painful steps, and then I was down. Only then did I see that the only damage to the motorcycle was to the left case guard that helps protect the engine… a $50 part!! Another miracle.

Yes, God saw to it that I did not go down, that I had NO other damage to my body other than my left knee, leg, ankle and foot. Do you realize that if I had gone down I wouldn’t have been able to even use crutches?

May I just say something about crutches. When I am using them I get the “oh, you poor thing” look from everyone. Others using crutches say, ‘don’t you just HATE having to use crutches?” My answer is a resounding “NO.” I love these crutches. This is the original pair and if they had an odometer on them it would have tripped over the 100,000 mile mark about three times. I don’t know what I would have done without them.

When I am on crutches I can really move!! Just ask my friends. Unfortunately, right now I am recovering from a shoulder injury and can’t use them yet. So I appreciate them all the more, because without their use I am much more limited. Still I do have the famous “black boot” that I can throw on when I am expecting to be “slammin’” (on my feet or walking a lot). Again, I get the looks and the questions “what happened, did you have another surgery?”

I know that people are generally caring and tend to think that injuries are supposed to get better. But the sad fact is that some of us are never going to recover from our injuries. Not in this lifetime anyway. These appliances (crutches, canes, boots, funny shoes) are just our ways to cope in the meantime. To try to live a productive life in spite of the physical challenges.
I now joke that I have been through probably about a dozen sets of guardian angels. They draw lots up there to NOT have to get me as a client.

Almost half of my life has now been in constant pain.
As a competitive long distance runner I used to just push through the pain. No pain, no gain, right? Maybe so, but you will notice that I don’t run anymore. I can’t. If it’s an emergency or something I can lope along with the understanding that I will have to pay a physical price. I’ll be “lame” for a few days, and have to go back to using my crutches.

Worse than that, I often don’t realize that I’m overdoing until after it is too late. Again because my way of dealing with pain was to mentally ‘shove it aside’, I use a kind of self-hypnosis that worked well for me as an athlete, but that can do damage to me now.

Since I am allergic to almost all pain medicines, I can take none. So I really am in constant pain every moment I am awake. But there are a couple of coping skills that I have learned that work for me. Music is the biggest one. When I sing or play, it is a painkiller for me. It helps that I like to sing praises to God with our church worship team and jam on mandolin and guitar with friends. That’s why you’ll hear me turn almost any sentence into the lyric and break out into song.

Another painkiller is laughter. My friends help me with this one. Laughter is the best medicine is tried and true. I know that depression is just a natural outcome when someone is dealing with chronic anything. There are chemical things happening in the brain with seratonin and endorphins and such. Since I am unable to be as physically active as I was as an athlete it’s even more important that I laugh. Like exercise, laughter increases the endorphins; the body’s natural pain killers.

So that is why when you first meet me you may think that I am very silly. I am learning to roll with the punches and not take things too seriously. I realize that things could ALWAYS be worse. And, in many people’s cases, they are. However, I also realize that no matter what happens it is all under God’s control.

Let God be God: get out of the way.
So my plans to be a nurse practitioner were trashed, as were the ability to participate in a lot of the exercises and sports competitions that I enjoyed. Now I have a permanent disability that prevents me from enjoying the life I wanted to live. Besides the walking, standing, foot down time and distance limitations, I have the physical drain of the constant pain. Think about it, when you are in pain you get tired more easily, don’t you. I think part of that is from swallowing down the pain, not expressing it through some means. The other problem is the emotional drain. Frustration of not being able to do what I once did, it’s never going to get better than this, the extra time that adaptability methods require. It just takes more time to do things.

For me, with my bent toward perfectionism, I need to get rid of the “would have,” “could have,” “should have” statements. It just is what it is. I am not God. I am learning more and more the importance of the Serenity Prayer:
“God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change [past, not in my control], Courage to change the things I can [focus on what I CAN do, and learn new ways to adapt], and the Wisdom to know the difference.”

Over the last 21 years, I have learned a lot. I would not have chosen these events. But I now see where God was in control the entire time. “I know the plans I have for you…. plans for hope and a future,” is what God tells me in Isaiah. It is not the path that I would have willingly chosen for myself… motorcycle crash, crushed leg, 31 surgeries, pain and disappointments…. “sure, sign me up.” Nonetheless, I am blessed beyond measure. I have become a stronger person who is learning to take my value less from what I do and more for Who’s I am.

I joke about the fact that with so many surgeries and stuff, the guardian angels have to draw lots in hopes of not getting me as an assignment. I’m sure I have worn out at least a dozen sets. I know that like Paul, God has allowed me to be molded through trials. That if I hadn’t had all this happen TO me, because He cares FOR me, I would probably have been a prideful, arrogant, competitive jerk. So when the trumpet sounds, get ready to eat my dust… cause I’m going to be running into glory!

But for now, I’m going to keep on placing my faith in Him and do my best to help others to meet my Saviour so that they can come with me. You wanna come???

Related Posts

• Crashed and Turned
• Turning the Page
• Imperfect Perfection

This was the easiest surgery I’ve ever had on my leg. Dr. Karl Raynor went in and removed 2″ from my left distal fibula (smaller lower leg bone) and the internal bone stimulator that was placed in there when my ankle was totally fused in May of 2006.

You can see the wires sticking out of where the devise had been. See that sharp bone sticking out of the back of the leg? That is the place to which my fibula was cut this time (where some tendon attach). It was about 2″ longer but had grown toward the tibia to try to make a pseudo-joint which was causing unbearable bone pain for me.

The wires from the bone stim were wrapped around the ankle area along with some bone removed from my fibula to help attain a solid fusion. Though the bone stim is supposed to stimulate bone growth in the area where the wires are located, apparently some EMFs encouraged some bone growth at the end of my fibula that we didn’t want.

You can see that I have a metal rod and a couple of long screws that bind things together. It looks rather robotic on xray, but kind of nasty in real life. I have a crookedy lower left leg with no outer ankle protrusion at all. It’s flat and majorly scarred.

Still . . . I have my own leg and foot. I even have most of my sensory nerve functions so that I feel thing with that foot which is amazing given all that it’s been through.

I joke with people who can’t believe how many surgeries I’ve survived by saying, ” When God does finally take me home, it will probably be from an infection from a paper cut or something small like that.”

Seriously, the prayers of my friends have helped sustain me through everything. It is especially important since I am allergic to all the main pain medications.

I went into surgery at about 11 a.m.. My nurse’s name was also Ellen (43 y.o.) and she also likes to long distance run. Therefore she understood when I said I take the pain and push it aside like when you are waiting for your “second wind”. Still the different people including the anesthesiologist found it hard to believe that I was not taking anything for the intense pain.

I came out of surgery in record time and was very talkative even before I could open my eyes. I heard Dr. Summers (the anesthesiologist) check on me before he left. I asked him to please give us some “Summer” weather. It was a bad joke, but he laughed anyway.

At 1 p.m. I was home in my own bed! The nerve block that they gave me in surgery worked so well that I felt no bone pain, just sharp cut of the incision. The On-Q Pain med ball was in place to drip Marcaine right into the surgical site, and was a godsend for the three days it worked!

With my leg elevated in the wheelchair, I am finally able to get back to my computer to catch up (if that’s EVEN possible) with all the things I need to attend to. [Yes, I ended that sentence with a preposition because that's how I would speak naturally].

Currently, I am using lydocaine pain patches next to the incision for 12 hours a day to help with the pain. I am to be non-weightbearing until at least Monday when I get the stitches out.

The most frustrating thing is that I can’t do housework that I want, cook supper, or be much help around here. AND I am lonely, since I am unable to go out just yet. Thank God for phone calls and book reading, cause there’s hardly anything worth watching on TV.

Well, I’m gonna call it quits for this post. I’ll just be “kickin’ back” and recovering for a bit.

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To be in the shadows is to have all the joy sucked out of every aspect of my life. It is the fear of the unknown. The realization that I can’t stay in this place. It is drudgery, bleakness and hopelessness. Or is it???

You see… I believe that the shadow can be seen in another way. As I acknowledge the shadow for that which it truly is, I needn’t fear. For a shadow is simply a result of a light shining beyond an obstacle. It is not solid and cannot hurt me. It has no course of its own. No ill intent against me personally. It simply exists to testify that there is a great light nearby. It is the light that has the power; not the shadow.

Walking down the pathway of my life and journey through pain, I experience the shadows of depression stretching toward me from time to time. However, if I remember the insight above I can overcome the despair of the shadows and realize the hope that is there.

For, if the shadow is reaching toward me, and I face it, I know that I am heading in the Light direction. The darker that the shadow appears, the more intense is the light that forms it.
My friend, I pray that you remember these words and draw upon the encouragement that is intended to help you as we travel this path together. Experience the joy as we draw closer to the light!

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There is only one specific 12-step group for People In Chronic Pain currently outside the Indianapolis area held once a week in Plainfield, IN. The severity of chronic pain and its effects on personal quality of life and the communities in which our partners in pain dwell, that we NEED to establish many more support services.

So until such a time… I believe that God has called me to do what I can with what I have.

The God of All Comfort 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5 For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 (New International Version)

Right now, that means the birth of this page.

Currently there is a great need for support groups to be established for those who suffer with chronic pain disease. As people in chronic pain learn, isolation is the enemy.
Working together, we can encourage and uplift one another as we go through the various challenges that our chronic pain brings us.

Please join me in making this a process toward GROWING though pain; not just GOING through pain!

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