I am now back from the hospital and am continuing to have speech problems.

Rather than write everything down… I went to Tokbox and created 4 little video mails that explains everything up to now.

I hope you will watch these so you can view how difficult it is to speak, how very different I sound right now, and because I think God is using this trial to teach many people how God uses the weak and unusual things of this world, if we let Him.
Just click on the red links to view the videos:
What Is Going On? Part 1
What Is Going On? Part 2
What Is Going On? Part 3
What Is Going On? Part 4
Now that you have seen these clips you can rejoice with me someday, when God reveals how he using this trial for His glory.


1)  God IS in control, therefore this is happening for a reason, AND not only for my benefit, but for the benefit of others, and ultimately His glory.
2)  This speech problem may be God’s 2×4 across my head – way of getting my attention about being extra careful when choosing words and speaking.
3)  A test for vanity: if I am so concerned about how I am sounding when I speak that I get so hung up on how I sound to the other person, then I would not speak at all for prideful fear of looking ridiculous.  I am learning it is more important to show that I believe my message is more important to deliver DESPITE the way it makes me look.  In this way I can communicate “I love you so very much that I will say it even if it makes me LOOK ridiculous”!
4)  Interesting FACT:  our dog Spirit obeys my verbal commands even better since I am having this speech problem. I am thinking that maybe it is like everything else; it is the “unusual” that gets our attention. Everyone else’s voices sound similar. But mine is now so unusual that she can easily separate it out of the crowd of other noises in the environment … it is much easier to filter out the racket and see what is really important. Hmmm. I think there is a good analogy there!
5)  Patience — I don’t know about you, but I want problems fixed and NOW!!  So I have been increasingly hard on myself when it comes to this mess.  I am looking at it as: “what did I do wrong?”; “when will this be over?”;  “how can I make it better and faster”. What can I DO??
Lesson I am learning: God is STILL in control (always has been) and if I would quit fighting Him I will be able to rest in the peace that comes with that understanding.  It is NOT about what I can or cannot do — (all about ME syndrome) — rather it is again that God is showing me to “be still and know that HE is God”.
6)  Faith — so this is another time of growing my faith.  I do not like it; it is uncomfortable and an inconvenience not only to me but also to my loved ones.
Did you know that if you were to cut open a cocoon to help the struggling butterfly get out of it’s cocoon, you would actually be doing it harm??  You see that relatively ugly, slimy, can only crawl so far in two whole days little caterpillar gets to go into one of the greatest transformations that I can think of in nature.  God transforms this worm into a beautiful flying testimony in the course of a few days. But it is in the struggling that the new butterfly does while in the midst of the cocoon that he builds up his wing strength.
It is during the struggling that the strength is developed! Did you get that!?  If you were to feel sorry for this new butterfly and cut open it’s cocoon to ease it’s struggle, or allow it out sooner, even if the butterfly’s wings had fully developed, they would not be strong enough for him to fly upon!!  You would only have a more beautiful worm, that LOOKS like a butterfly, but crawls around like a caterpillar.  He would be freed from his temporary struggling only to be limited by his unreached potential. How very sad!
Therefore, I am looking at my current neurological and speech trial as just a temporary time of strengthening for me as well.  God wishes to transform me into the likeness of His Son Jesus. Although, I do want to get better as soon as possible. I do NOT want let out of the cocoon one second too early.  I don’t only want to look like Him, but also be able to have the required strength to act like Him.
If you were blessed by this posting I would love for you to leave a comment. Thanks and may God bless you!

Sensitivity and Numbness.

It is interesting that God seems to be using “numbness” to teach me “sensitivity”.
Sensitivity to His plans being more important than mine. Submission and asking for advise and help must be used when my own decisions are unpredictable.

My family and close friends know that I’ve been having greater word finding problems as well as poor decision making, memory, org. skills. Now it has escalated to include some other problems that I can’t ignore as being a flare up of Chronic Fatigue.

Yesterday, fatigue was horrible, severe headache and then 4:30ish numbness in lips and rt. side of face, stiffness in neck increased and went from just numbness/tingling thick feeling to sometimes burning.

This morning, I woke up to spreading of numbness down my rt arm.
RATS! God really wants my attention here I think.

I’ve just finished wrestling with myself to submit to God’s plan of not relying on my own understanding, which is clearly failing when decision making is so cruddy. I sought outside advise. It actually looks like I’m going to have to do the unthinkable and forego my fun plans for this glorious sunny day to plant and do gardening with my daughter. I was really looking forward to that more than you know. Instead wisdom says I need to go to ER.

I’m pretty bummed about that, but it is the “right” thing to do. I must be able to rule out stroke vs. just some kind of pinched or inflamed nerves. My family dr. said it’s up to me whether I go into ER or not! Thanks for no help there Doc. Seriously, he said he couldn’t diagnose over the phone, but nurse recommends that since its involving mental stuff, probably not just a pinched nerve. So she suggests I go ahead and go into the ER.

Other friend said better go in cuz no matter what, something is definitely wrong..

So I must forgo one of my favorite activities to go sit for hours in ER. Grrr!
Please pray for the situation. Tho’ I’m not happy about this, I can do nothing but what I believe to be right and trust that I am in God’s loving care no matter what.

My Title of this blog post is a great start off for a spiritual illustration that is brewing in my mind, but I am afraid that it will have to wait; I’m going to the ER now.