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	<title>ellen5e.com &#187; God</title>
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		<title>Worn Out and In Danger</title>
		<link>http://ellen5e.com/p/worn-out-and-in-danger/</link>
		<comments>http://ellen5e.com/p/worn-out-and-in-danger/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 28 Mar 2011 22:43:51 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>ellen5e</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Baby Jonah]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Prayer]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[baby]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[children]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[continue]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[emotional]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[faithful]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[God]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Heart]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jonah]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Marty]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[physical]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[prayer]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[sepsis]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Silverberg]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[spiritual]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[trial]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Val]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://ellen5e.com/?p=1133</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Jonah's condition has taken another turn for the worse.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><a href="../wp-content/uploads/2011/03/REDSMBattery-empty-red.jpg"><img class="alignright" title="REDSMBattery-empty-red" src="../wp-content/uploads/2011/03/REDSMBattery-empty-red.jpg" alt="" width="150" height="137" /></a> Please join me in another blast of prayer for little Baby Jonah Silverberg and his dear family. He is going to be only 13 weeks tomorrow and has been having one life-threatening occurrence after another taking a toll not only on his physical body but on his family and caretakers as well. It has been a roller-coaster of emotions as this 4th child to a family of Christian missionaries in the Bronx fights for his life while his parents also struggle to meet the needs of the rest of the family, home, ministry and their own emotional, physical and spiritual needs.</p>
<p>God has shown us great miracles in the fact that little Jonah has  lived through all that he has. This tiny child has literally been  brought back from death&#8217;s doorway via heart attacks and breathing  problems&#8230; he&#8217;s endured high fevers, poor breathing, digestion, and brain wave activity&#8230; it&#8217;s truly amazing!</p>
<p>If you are new to Baby Jonah&#8217;s plight, please just search &#8220;Baby Jonah&#8221; even in this site&#8217;s search box and you can read how very much this family has endured. God is faithful all the way along, and we may not understand what is being accomplished by all of this. However, of this one thing we can be sure: God is, always has been, and will always be&#8230;IN CONTROL!</p>
<blockquote>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>NOW:</em></span></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>Dear Praying Family,</em></span></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>Jonah&#8217;s condition has taken another turn for the worse.</em></span></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>His Sepsis infection has returned, he is running a fever,</em></span></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>his central line is infected, and he is generally doing very poorly.</em></span></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>3 attempts were made to put in a new line, all failed.</em></span></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>The cardiac team does not want a line put in his upper body,</em></span></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>as they still hold out hope for the next round of surgeries to</em></span></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>save Jonah&#8217;s life. Upper body lines would eliminate the chance for</em></span></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>such future surgeries. The team meets today to discuss what to do.</em></span></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>Jonah is still unable to digest nutrients, and is on the ventilator attached to his</em></span></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>trach tube.</em></span></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>We are very worn out as well.</em></span></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>Thank you for your continued faithful prayers.</em></span></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>Jonah will be 13 weeks old tomorrow.</em></span></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>In Christ&#8217;s Love,</em></span></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>Marty for Val</em></span></div>
<div></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>on the 24th after his Trach tube surgery</em></span></div>
<div><span style="color: #000000;"><em>&#8220;Dear Praying Family,</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #000000;"><em>Trach surgery went well.  Jonah continues to recover from it.  Please continue in prayer for him and the rest of our family.  We are hoping and praying for him to recover from this surgery, and his sepsis infection.  Then we hope to find out why he is not digesting any nutrients.  It has been suggested that his G-tube, for feeding is leaking.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #000000;"><em>Thank you so very much.&#8221;</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #000000;"><em>In Christ&#8217;s Love,</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #000000;"><em>Marty for Val</em></span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote><p>&nbsp;</p></blockquote>
<p>All of this has been such a long trial. Please join me in praying for God&#8217;s best to be evident. That the most awesome glory go to God while the wonders He has wrought through this little one&#8217;s life testify to His love for every detail of every heart beat, breath and movement. Of course, I am asking for Jonah&#8217;s physical comfort and healing, but also his emotional peace. I cannot imagine! Does he get to be cuddled at all with all the tubes? I pray so. I know that Val has made every effort to be at his side as much as possible and is surely having physical contact with him.</p>
<p>I am asking specifically for prayer for Jonah&#8217;s mother and father, Val and Marty Silverberg. How very hard it must be to see there little one in distress. I am also asking that as you look at your own family gathered around the dinner table, or as you read them a bedtime story and tuck them into bed; or as you simply hold them in your lap close to your chest &#8212; will you not send a great prayer of thanksgiving for the precious gift that you have been given in that child(ren)?</p>
<p>Now, will you also lift up a heart-felt prayer for Jonah&#8217;s older brothers and sister? These children haven&#8217;t gotten to even play with their little brother, but in their limited child-like understanding, have to come to terms with &#8220;we don&#8217;t know&#8221;. His older sister Shakinah is especially sensitive to the precarious uncertainties of her little brother&#8217;s future.</p>
<h3  class="related_post_title">Related Posts</h3><ul class="related_post"><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/baby-jonahs-struggle-update/" title="Baby Jonah&#8217;s Struggle Update">Baby Jonah&#8217;s Struggle Update</a></li><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/1113/" title="Three Months of Struggling">Three Months of Struggling</a></li><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/hopeisspringingforthforbabyjonah/" title="Hope is Springing Forth for Baby Jonah ">Hope is Springing Forth for Baby Jonah </a></li></ul>]]></content:encoded>
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		<title>Turning the Page</title>
		<link>http://ellen5e.com/p/turning-the-page/</link>
		<comments>http://ellen5e.com/p/turning-the-page/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 01 Feb 2010 02:17:56 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>ellen5e</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[HEALTH]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Home]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Personal Experience]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Ponderings]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[admit]]></category>
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		<category><![CDATA[turn]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://ellen5e.com/?p=561</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[January has been a time to "turn the page" as I start a new chapter. I have been attempting to accurately assess where I am, address what I can reasonably change, ask for help, and make definite progress as I seek God's best for me.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><img class="size-thumbnail wp-image-559 alignright" title="Calendar2010Page" src="http://ellen5e.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Calendar2010Page-150x150.jpg" alt="" width="150" height="150" />I HAVE TURNED THE PAGE! January 2010 is a time that I can look upon as a time of new beginnings. I continued to use my contemplations of December&#8217;s poor energy from CFS and come up with some kind of plan.</p>
<p>First, honestly assess where I am. I am in poor health and am driving myself unrealistically to do more things which only increases stress and puts importance on achievement of activities to determine my success. WRONG! This Christmas, God gave me the gift of honestly facing the fact that I have serious physical limitations that may never go away. Rather than being mournful over the time that I&#8217;ve lost, I want to celebrate what I can do.</p>
<p>So, secondly, I used the current Women in the Word Bible study materials that we are using called &#8220;Seeking Him&#8221; to launch me into personal inspection for the purpose of spiritual revival. I have been searching for how I have been falling short of God&#8217;s best for me. As a result, I went to my husband and a pastoral mentor and we did a great deal of growing.</p>
<p>Thirdly, this friend suggested that we follow the Bible&#8217;s instruction &#8220;<em>Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord.&#8221; &#8211;James 5:14</em>.  On December 27th, 2009 Steve, Michelle and I went into Pastor&#8217;s office and were surrounded by the deacons of the church and I received encouragement and much prayer. Many of them had not been aware that the Chronic Fatigue has been a battle for fifteen years, the chronic pain since Sept. 1987 and now the mysteries of the Foreign Accent Syndrome posed it&#8217;s own challenges. These men blessed our family greatly at that event.</p>
<p>Through a series of events and with the help of FaceBook on the internet, I met a Christian lady who did network marketing of a supplement product that we believed might help me. I was given a two week sample and I tried it. It is called MaxGXL. It is a glucothione accelerator which works at the mitochonrial cellular level and has had wonderful effects! There was a period of some detox side effects like headache, but my energy increased so that I was actually able to do more.</p>
<p>I am experiencing more stamina now, and so have been able to actually reorganize my pantry. It may sound like a little thing to most people, but it is something I count as a blessing.</p>
<p>Next, I came to the understanding that I do have great mental challenges when it comes to categorization. However, I simply don&#8217;t know what to do about it. It greatly effects my inability to file papers and organize things. I do well with my artwork materials because I have those relationships ingrained, but many other things have me stumped.  I have noticed the problem over the last two tax seasons, but it has gotten increasingly worse. I have told Steve of the problem, however, whether he doesn&#8217;t understand that I have a problem or simply doesn&#8217;t know what to do about it, in either case I am still in need of help.</p>
<p>Therefore, I did the next hardest thing to admitting I have a problem. I asked for help!  Now, when it comes to finding that person to help me, I am not asking someone to just come in and work at cleaning my place up. No! I am more than willing to do the work, although I wouldn&#8217;t turn down the help :0) because there is so much backlog. What I really need is someone to come in and teach me methodology. I need to be taught a process which before now just came naturally. What do I do with this? It is very humbling, but I am desperately in need of that help.</p>
<p>I have set, what I believe to be a realistic goal for myself, to have things in order around the house before the end of March. It really needs to be straightened out yesterday, but I am trying to be sensitive to what is a reasonable goal so that I can break it down to doable tasks.</p>
<p>I would appreciate your prayers in this, as that certain person or persons to come meet this need that I have so earnestly prayed for has not yet arrived. And as I attempt to do it on my own, I seem to make more messes, before I make any small progress.</p>
<p>All in all, January has been a time to &#8220;turn the page&#8221; as I start a new chapter. I have been attempting to accurately assess where I am, address what I can reasonably change, ask for help, and make definite progress as I seek God&#8217;s best for me. Prayer and studying God&#8217;s Word have been foundational in keeping me moving forward through the trials. It is so hard, but so worthwhile when I realize that as I put forth my best God will honor my efforts by transforming me to be better than I was before.</p>
<p>Here&#8217;s to new beginnings . . . and the God of all grace who makes it possible!</p>
<h3  class="related_post_title">Related Posts</h3><ul class="related_post"><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/imperfect-perfection/" title="Imperfect Perfection">Imperfect Perfection</a></li><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/the-reason-for-the-silence/" title="The Reason for the Silence">The Reason for the Silence</a></li><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/crashed-and-turned/" title="Crashed and Turned">Crashed and Turned</a></li></ul>]]></content:encoded>
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		<title>Imperfect Perfection</title>
		<link>http://ellen5e.com/p/imperfect-perfection/</link>
		<comments>http://ellen5e.com/p/imperfect-perfection/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 10 Nov 2009 05:18:21 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>ellen5e</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[HEALTH]]></category>
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		<category><![CDATA[value]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://ellen5e.com/?p=515</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[...my value comes not from what I DO, or to what degree of perfection I perform, but from WHOSE I am. ]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><a rel="attachment wp-att-516" href="http://ellen5e.com/p/imperfect-perfection/qv_report_card/"><img class="alignright size-thumbnail wp-image-516" title="qv_report_card" src="http://ellen5e.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/qv_report_card-150x150.jpg" alt="qv_report_card" width="125" height="125" /></a>You know what?  I am NOT perfect. Surprise!  Yet, one of my personal struggles is with the character defect of perfectionism. I could even go so far to say that it is a sin, but I don&#8217;t know that I chose so much to act this way as it is a natural bent that has plagued my Type A, constantly pushing for the best, way of doing things.</p>
<p>Either way I see it as both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand I can say that this perfectionism has given me the &#8220;eye&#8221; for detail. I can generally tell with a quick glance if something is amiss, awry or off-kilter. This especially comes in handy when I am rendering a drawing or painting that is realistic. It also gives those I work for the assurance that I am going to give great attention to the accuracy and detail of a job. I am by nature highly motivated, driven to do the best I can, and determined to see a task through to the end.</p>
<p>So what&#8217;s the downside? I am the most critical of my own work. It was so bad when I was younger that I couldn&#8217;t keep any of my own paintings because I would look at it and see something that was a bit off or could have been done better. As a runner, I would always strive to go further, go faster. As a daughter, wife or friend I would do everything to be the &#8220;best&#8221;.  Oh, I was what some would call an overachiever, a competitor that didn&#8217;t know when to quit. Why? Because, I felt that my best was NEVER good enough.</p>
<p>It was in college, working for the Department of Graphic Communications Chair (he was also a perfectionist) that I learned a bit of a trick in fighting this troubling trait. He told me, &#8220;If the client likes it, it is good enough.&#8221;  Never mind that you think it would be better this way, in these colors or whatever. If my job is to produce a piece that the client likes, then the moment he says &#8220;that&#8217;s good,&#8221; it IS good. Period.</p>
<p>Wow!  What a revelation. Just by proclaiming something good, it IS good. There really is such a thing as &#8220;Good Enough&#8221;.  What a concept.</p>
<p>As I am currently struggling with some physical challenges right now, I have been forced to look at the increased frustrations and disappointment associated with the realization that I simply cannot do what &#8220;normal&#8221; people can expect to do. Nor, even, what I could do myself in years previous. I am starting to have those thoughts of not measuring up. Maybe those who used to love me will tire of me and discard me as &#8220;a problem&#8221; or &#8220;broken&#8221; and unable to be &#8220;fixed&#8221;.</p>
<p>However, these are feelings that I cannot trust. These feelings would have me believe that I am what I do; that it is my performance that determines my worth. You know what I am learning? (Not that I have attained a full working degree of mastery here, yet).  I am learning that these thoughts based on feeling are untrustworthy. Lies!</p>
<p>My value really is not based on what I can or cannot do. It is not based on quotas of projects completed, grades, money earned or invested. It is not based on if my hair is styled just so, or if I am wearing the latest clothing fashion. My value is not even determined on if my husband or child is pleased with my cooking or even if they are angry with me.</p>
<p>No. None of that is the real basis of my value. What I believe to be true as I study my Bible (if only my feelings would grasp that truth more) is that my value comes not from what I DO, or to what degree of perfection I perform, but from WHOSE I am.</p>
<p>I believe wholeheartedly in the Truth of God&#8217;s Word which declares I am a child of God. He loved me even when I was at my all time, absolute, disgustingly worst. When I came to acknowledge my absolute inability to even approach anywhere near a degree of perfection when it came to dealing with such an awesome and Holy God, I all but melted away.</p>
<p>It was then, at my most imperfect, that God lifted my face to look into His. He invited my broken spirit to be mended by His Holy Spirit.  He let the love of Jesus Christ do the perfecting for me. WOW!!</p>
<p>Right now, as I struggle related to chronic pain, fatigue and even Foreign Accent Syndrome I must face the fact that these are major hurdles that are guaranteed to keep me from normal goals of excellence. In working with these difficulties  I am finding that nasty old bent toward perfectionism rearing it&#8217;s ugly head again. This time, thanks to God&#8217;s promises which sustain me, I am learning to say, &#8220;Yes. I am a failure. Yes, I have messed up. Yes, I cannot do this under my own power.&#8221;</p>
<p>These very thoughts that in the past were used to try to depress me to the point of being totally ineffective are now the very same thoughts that I can accept and answer. &#8220;Though each one of those accusations is true. All those imperfections are present in me&#8230;but..&#8217;I AM doing my best. And (here is the real gem)&#8230; GOD LOVES ME ANYWAY!&#8221;</p>
<p>This really is too wonderful for me to understand. It is not by denying my failures, or pretending they do not exist, that I find peace. Rather, it is by embracing the fact that it is despite my imperfections that I can enjoy the bliss of perfect love and acceptance of my Blessed Savior.  SELAH.</p>
<p>Do you know this peace too? It really is perfect.</p>
<h3  class="related_post_title">Related Posts</h3><ul class="related_post"><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/turning-the-page/" title="Turning the Page ">Turning the Page </a></li><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/crashed-and-turned/" title="Crashed and Turned">Crashed and Turned</a></li><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/fas-friends/" title="FAS Friends">FAS Friends</a></li></ul>]]></content:encoded>
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		<title>Crashed and Turned</title>
		<link>http://ellen5e.com/p/crashed-and-turned/</link>
		<comments>http://ellen5e.com/p/crashed-and-turned/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 17 Sep 2009 23:05:19 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>ellen5e</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Chronic Pain]]></category>
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		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://ellen5e.com/?p=474</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[September 17, 1987 is a special date on the calendar for me. You see, it was 22 years ago today that my life took a major hit. While driving our Kawasaki 550 motorcycle I was broadsided by the car of a young lady performing an illegal U-turn. My life as I had known it (had planned) would never be the same.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZCGov86CI6s/SNMZeXFItXI/AAAAAAAAAMY/0hc18I3kSeo/s1600-h/MotorcyleOuch.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247566000199087474" style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZCGov86CI6s/SNMZeXFItXI/AAAAAAAAAMY/0hc18I3kSeo/s320/MotorcyleOuch.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>Some of you will have already heard about this, but since today is the anniversary date of a major life-altering event, I decided to reblog it.<br />
September 17, 1987 is a special date on the calendar for me. You see, it was 22 years ago today that my life took a major hit. While driving our Kawasaki 550 motorcycle I was broadsided by the car of a young lady performing an illegal U-turn. My life as I had known it (had planned) would never be the same.</p>
<p>It was just before the impact and I was waiting for morning rush hour traffic to clear from one of the two major one-way streets located at the end of my commute to work in beautiful Santa Barbara, California. I knew that I had to wait a few moments more before the traffic cleared. So I took the opportunity to shoot up a praise to God. &#8220;What a gorgeous morning it is Father. There is not a single cloud in the sky.&#8221; Additionally I am going to be early for work, and I am excelling at my job.</p>
<p>Looking back on that moment now, I realize that was the last minute in which I had no chronic pain in my life. I really do forget what that felt like. Perhaps God answered me with &#8221; Oh sure, you think it&#8217;s beautiful and hunky dory now, but let&#8217;s just see what you think in a minute.&#8221; I believe that in Heaven, God was gathering the angels to watch what was going to happen next.</p>
<p>After crossing the intersection, I noticed that a car traveling in the opposite direction quickly pulled along the opposite curb as it going to park. But then it happened. The sudden impact broadsided me full force as the black bumper of the Civic instantly crushed my Left Ankle. I found myself startled (WHAT just happened), in great pain as my foot was hit by the car then pushed off the peg, and dragging along the pavement. On top of all that, my head was wizzing by the bumpers of cars parked on my side of the street as I was still moving forward although at an angle of a track bike (like the GT racers we just saw here in Indy).</p>
<p>I jerked with all my might to keep from going down. All the while it occurred to me that I am now driving on the wrong side of the street (from jerking up), my foots dragging, and I must stop in just a few yards BEFORE I enter the intersection with the other major one-way street. AAAAAAH!</p>
<p>This is where I testify to the miracle on my motorcycle. God was at work greatly in my life. He got me to stop the motorcycle before getting hit again. I did NOT go down even though broadsided. I think part of the credit for that goes to the fact that I raced bicycles at Major Taylor Velodrome and in racing class and training we would purposefully jam our bicycles into each other to learn how to avoid wrecks and react to unexpected pedal in your spokes.</p>
<p>Once I had managed to stop the forward movement of the cycle, I was standing there with both hand squeezing the calipers on the handlebar (clutch and brake). I was managing to stay balanced on my one right leg, but it was heavy and my other foot was mangled. What was worse is that I couldn&#8217;t shift the cycle into neutral because it would have been done by my useless left foot. I was stuck there!!</p>
<p>Just then, a VERY pregnant woman came up the sidewalk to help me. I remember thinking that the gutteral screams that came out of me were not very feminine (surprised that I sounded like a guy) and that I could even scare her away if I didn&#8217;t quiet them.</p>
<p>She came up to me and saw that I had a problem, but couldn&#8217;t hear me very well through the running of the motorcycle and due to the fact that the visor of my full face helmet was down. So she was fumbling around trying to undo my helmet. I swallowed all screams of pain and yelled, &#8220;PUT&#8230; the KICKSTAND&#8230;. DOWN!&#8221; Once she did that, I killed the bike by turning off the key with the assurance of the kickstand there to keep me from falling over.</p>
<p>I took off my helmet and looked down at my foot. It looked like the ends of two of my toes were missing and I knew that my ankle foot was broken. The lady had called the police and ambulance and wanted to help me to the sidewalk. I initially declined since she looked like she would deliver her baby if she lifted half of my weight. However the incessant throbbing convinced me that I should accept her offer.</p>
<p>We managed to get me to the sidewalk, a couple of very painful steps, and then I was down. Only then did I see that the only damage to the motorcycle was to the left case guard that helps protect the engine&#8230; a $50 part!! Another miracle.</p>
<p>Yes, God saw to it that I did not go down, that I had NO other damage to my body other than my left knee, leg, ankle and foot. Do you realize that if I had gone down I wouldn&#8217;t have been able to even use crutches?</p>
<p>May I just say something about crutches. When I am using them I get the &#8220;oh, you poor thing&#8221; look from everyone. Others using crutches say, &#8216;don&#8217;t you just HATE having to use crutches?&#8221; My answer is a resounding &#8220;NO.&#8221; I love these crutches. This is the original pair and if they had an odometer on them it would have tripped over the 100,000 mile mark about three times. I don&#8217;t know what I would have done without them.</p>
<p>When I am on crutches I can really move!! Just ask my friends. Unfortunately, right now I am recovering from a shoulder injury and can&#8217;t use them yet. So I appreciate them all the more, because without their use I am much more limited. Still I do have the famous &#8220;black boot&#8221; that I can throw on when I am expecting to be &#8220;slammin&#8217;&#8221; (on my feet or walking a lot). Again, I get the looks and the questions &#8220;what happened, did you have another surgery?&#8221;</p>
<p>I know that people are generally caring and tend to think that injuries are supposed to get better. But the sad fact is that some of us are never going to recover from our injuries. Not in this lifetime anyway. These appliances (crutches, canes, boots, funny shoes) are just our ways to cope in the meantime. To try to live a productive life in spite of the physical challenges.<br />
I now joke that I have been through probably about a dozen sets of guardian angels. They draw lots up there to NOT have to get me as a client.</p>
<p><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Almost half of my life has now been in constant pain.</span></span><br />
As a competitive long distance runner I used to just push through the pain. No pain, no gain, right? Maybe so, but you will notice that I don&#8217;t run anymore. I can&#8217;t. If it&#8217;s an emergency or something I can lope along with the understanding that I will have to pay a physical price. I&#8217;ll be &#8220;lame&#8221; for a few days, and have to go back to using my crutches.</p>
<p>Worse than that, I often don&#8217;t realize that I&#8217;m overdoing until after it is too late. Again because my way of dealing with pain was to mentally &#8216;shove it aside&#8217;, I use a kind of self-hypnosis that worked well for me as an athlete, but that can do damage to me now.</p>
<p>Since I am allergic to almost all pain medicines, I can take none. So I really am in constant pain every moment I am awake. But there are a couple of coping skills that I have learned that work for me. Music is the biggest one. When I sing or play, it is a painkiller for me. It helps that I like to sing praises to God with our church worship team and jam on mandolin and guitar with friends. That&#8217;s why you&#8217;ll hear me turn almost any sentence into the lyric and break out into song.</p>
<p>Another painkiller is laughter. My friends help me with this one. Laughter is the best medicine is tried and true. I know that depression is just a natural outcome when someone is dealing with chronic anything. There are chemical things happening in the brain with seratonin and endorphins and such. Since I am unable to be as physically active as I was as an athlete it&#8217;s even more important that I laugh. Like exercise, laughter increases the endorphins; the body&#8217;s natural pain killers.</p>
<p>So that is why when you first meet me you may think that I am very silly. I am learning to roll with the punches and not take things too seriously. I realize that things could ALWAYS be worse. And, in many people&#8217;s cases, they are. However, I also realize that no matter what happens it is all under God&#8217;s control.</p>
<p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Let God be God: get out of the way.</span><br />
So my plans to be a nurse practitioner were trashed, as were the ability to participate in a lot of the exercises and sports competitions that I enjoyed. Now I have a permanent disability that prevents me from enjoying the life I wanted to live. Besides the walking, standing, foot down time and distance limitations, I have the physical drain of the constant pain. Think about it, when you are in pain you get tired more easily, don&#8217;t you. I think part of that is from swallowing down the pain, not expressing it through some means. The other problem is the emotional drain. Frustration of not being able to do what I once did, it&#8217;s never going to get better than this, the extra time that adaptability methods require. It just takes more time to do things.</p>
<p>For me, with my bent toward perfectionism, I need to get rid of the &#8220;would have,&#8221; &#8220;could have,&#8221; &#8220;should have&#8221; statements. It just is what it is. I am not God. I am learning more and more the importance of the Serenity Prayer:<br />
&#8220;God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change [past, not in my control], Courage to change the things I can [focus on what I CAN do, and learn new ways to adapt], and the Wisdom to know the difference.&#8221;</p>
<p>Over the last 21 years, I have learned a lot. I would not have chosen these events. But I now see where God was in control the entire time. &#8220;I know the plans I have for you&#8230;. plans for hope and a future,&#8221; is what God tells me in Isaiah. It is not the path that I would have willingly chosen for myself&#8230; motorcycle crash, crushed leg, 31 surgeries, pain and disappointments&#8230;. &#8220;sure, sign me up.&#8221; Nonetheless, I am blessed beyond measure. I have become a stronger person who is learning to take my value less from what I do and more for Who&#8217;s I am.</p>
<p>I joke about the fact that with so many surgeries and stuff, the guardian angels have to draw lots in hopes of not getting me as an assignment. I&#8217;m sure I have worn out at least a dozen sets. I know that like Paul, God has allowed me to be molded through trials. That if I hadn&#8217;t had all this happen TO me, because He cares FOR me, I would probably have been a prideful, arrogant, competitive jerk. So when the trumpet sounds, get ready to eat my dust&#8230; cause I&#8217;m going to be running into glory!</p>
<p>==== Today I am celebrating the fact that though this event was traumatic, it began a new direction in my life. A major turn for what I Biblically believe is guananteed to be for the better.</p>
<h3  class="related_post_title">Related Posts</h3><ul class="related_post"><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/imperfect-perfection/" title="Imperfect Perfection">Imperfect Perfection</a></li><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/miracle-on-my-motorcyle/" title="Miracle on My Motorcyle">Miracle on My Motorcyle</a></li><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/leg-work-a-bit-of-bone-surgery/" title="Leg Work: a bit of bone surgery">Leg Work: a bit of bone surgery</a></li></ul>]]></content:encoded>
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		<title>On My Knees</title>
		<link>http://ellen5e.com/p/on-my-knees/</link>
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		<pubDate>Fri, 08 May 2009 04:41:00 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>ellen5e</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Ministry]]></category>
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		<description><![CDATA[My friends and followers may have noticed that I&#8217;ve not been as social online over the last week. Why? Lots of reasons, but primarily, high demands of many different projects all coming due at the same time. There were the annual stage props for a production at Madame Walker theatre which my husband and I [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZCGov86CI6s/SgO9WFVlBrI/AAAAAAAAAS4/R0bEU7cWPYU/s1600-h/PrayerHandsSepia.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5333314570824255154" style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 130px; height: 98px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZCGov86CI6s/SgO9WFVlBrI/AAAAAAAAAS4/R0bEU7cWPYU/s200/PrayerHandsSepia.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />
My friends and followers may have noticed that I&#8217;ve not been as<br />
social online over the last week. Why? Lots of reasons, but primarily, high demands of many different projects all coming due at the same time. There were the annual stage props for a production at Madame Walker theatre which my husband and I cranked out in record time. There were additional practices for our band as we performed a benefit fundraiser for some abused kids to be able to go to a Christian summer camp. Finally, there was all the paperwork and organization of a record number of members in our Warren Waggers 4-H Dog club of which I am leader.</p>
<p>All of these activities are a joy to me. However, they all came together at a time where they acted as a kind of &#8220;perfect storm&#8221; of stress at a time when my Chronic pain and Chronic Fatigue decided to ravage my poor body.</p>
<p>There were many days of zombie-like walking and &#8220;what was I just doing?&#8221; I&#8217;m still not at my normal level of functionality, however I am better than I have been in the last few weeks. So that is why I am up at 12:45 a.m. catching up on blogging and some other postings.</p>
<p>Today was a wonderful day! I have all those big projects behind me so I could insert my thankfulness to God into my prayers that lasted longer today. I spent a LOT more time &#8216;on my knees&#8217; today since it was the National Day of Prayer. Though President O&#8217;bama did not call attention to it, as our previous U.S. President had, I did remember to make it a priority on my schedule of events for the day.</p>
<p>I am concerned for our nation; if we don&#8217;t remember to turn to God, how will we know in which direction we should go to receive His blessing?  I prayed for our leaders, our communities and especially our families. Even tho&#8217; this particular day of emphasis on prayer comes only once a year, I am thankful for the opportunity it has given me to renew my fervency for prayer.</p>
<p>Our Lord promised in His Word that if we will turn to Him, He will turn toward us and He will heal our land. Though it seems odd, I am thankful for the season of weakness that I&#8217;ve had to endure. It allows me to truly acknowledge that through my weakness I am made strong. Like the Apostle Paul, God has seen fit to not remove &#8220;the thorn in my flesh&#8221; (as Paul called it) even though I&#8217;ve prayed for it. Like Paul, I may have taken pride in what &#8220;I&#8221; accomplished in my own power. This way, I KNOW that ALL my power comes from Him, because I truly am a weak vessel that feels so very weak that I might implode or vaporize with a gentle wind.</p>
<p>So tonight, right before I go to bed, I will once again go down on my knees. After all, that is where I can acknowledge that I never did have the control that I wanted. Even more importantly, it is when I feel most out of control that I can rest assured that my awesome God always was, always will be, and IS in control.  Now that&#8217;s peace!!</p>
<h3  class="related_post_title">Related Posts</h3><ul class="related_post"><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/crashed-and-turned/" title="Crashed and Turned">Crashed and Turned</a></li><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/turning-the-page/" title="Turning the Page ">Turning the Page </a></li><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/imperfect-perfection/" title="Imperfect Perfection">Imperfect Perfection</a></li></ul>]]></content:encoded>
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		<title>Weathering the Storm</title>
		<link>http://ellen5e.com/p/weathering-the-storm/</link>
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		<pubDate>Mon, 18 Feb 2008 04:55:00 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>ellen5e</dc:creator>
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		<description><![CDATA[Right now the wind is really howling outside my office window. It makes me think about the storms of life and about the sermon at church today. The sermon was about Jonah and how he hired a boat to take him in the opposite direction of where God had told him to go. Jonah understood [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><a href="http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:6KzUJxxoBCslyM:http://blog-by-the-sea.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/rembrandts_storm.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 140px; height: 192px;" src="http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:6KzUJxxoBCslyM:http://blog-by-the-sea.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/rembrandts_storm.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />
<span style="font-family:arial;">Right now the wind is really howling outside my office window. It makes me think about the storms of life and about the sermon at church today.</span></p>
<p>The sermon was about Jonah and how he hired a boat to take him in the opposite direction of where God had told him to go.  Jonah understood that God was telling him to go to Ninevah to give them the message to repent from their great wickedness and that God would then show mercy on them.  Jonah understood, but that is not what he wanted.  He wanted God to punish their evil, not show mercy.  So when faced with doing something other than what he knew he should do, Noah ran away.</p>
<p>How many times does that happen to you? You have already set your course and God throws a Ninevah assignment at you.</p>
<p>What did happen to Jonah?  Well, the poor sailors that were transporting him were threatened by the very same tremendous storm that God brought up to stop Jonah&#8217;s defiance.  Once it was revealed that it was Jonah&#8217;s fault that they were in danger, the sailors asked Jonah what they must do to appease God&#8217;s wrath.  Jonah instructed them to throw him into the turbulent sea.</p>
<p>You see, Jonah would rather die than just tell the sailors to turn the boat around and sail to Ninevah.  But God kept pursuing Jonah and helped him complete His assignment by providing alternate transportation in the form of a giant fish that swallowed Jonah whole.</p>
<p>Swallow a man whole you say?  There isn&#8217;t a fish that big.  Well, my God is the God of all creation and I believe that His Word is true, so I believe that He did send that giant fish on a mission of its own.  I would imagine that the fish wasn&#8217;t real keen on swallowing this guy, but at least he obeyed.</p>
<p>So three days of pondering in the belly of that great fish probably had some impact on Jonah&#8217;s acceptance of the mission.  And the fact that when he was spit out by the fish, it was onto the shore of the land God had told him to travel in the first place&#8230; well, that should have been a major clue. No matter what YOU want, it&#8217;s what God says that needs to get done.</p>
<p>So here are some questions to ponder:<br />
What assignment have you been sent on with which you have refused to comply?<br />
Why not just do it?  Fear&#8230;. stuborness&#8230; inconvenience&#8230; pride?<br />
Do you see sudden storms or alternate routes arise due to your defiance or denial of who is <span style="font-style: italic;">really</span> in charge?<br />
What is it going to take for you to accept the mission?</p>
<p>As I am about to go through another surgery, I am viewing it as an assignment.  I am laying aside what I was striving to do:  &#8220;I NEED to get a paying job, do more for my family, pay endless bills, clean up my office, update my computer, clean up the clutter and prepare our taxes.&#8221;</p>
<p>Yep, it&#8217;s time to turn this ship around . . . it&#8217;s going to be God&#8217;s way.  I&#8217;ve never been very keen on the smell of fish.</p>
<h3  class="related_post_title">Related Posts</h3><ul class="related_post"><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/weathering-the-storm-2/" title="Weathering the Storm">Weathering the Storm</a></li><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/imperfect-perfection/" title="Imperfect Perfection">Imperfect Perfection</a></li><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/on-my-knees/" title="On My Knees">On My Knees</a></li></ul>]]></content:encoded>
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		<title>The Lame Lamb</title>
		<link>http://ellen5e.com/p/the-lame-lamb/</link>
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		<pubDate>Mon, 18 Feb 2008 04:26:00 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>ellen5e</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[LIFE]]></category>
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		<description><![CDATA[I would like to tell you of a shepherding practice that is used when a lamb continues to wander away from the flock. In order for the lamb that keeps wandering away to learn to stay with the flock, the shepherd uses his staff and actually breaks one of legs of the lamb. Then he [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><a href="http://ellen5e.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/good_shepherd.jpg"><img class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-292" title="good_shepherd" src="http://ellen5e.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/good_shepherd-250x198.jpg" alt="good_shepherd" width="214" height="170" /></a><span style="font-family: arial;"> I would like to tell you of a shepherding practice that is used when a lamb continues to wander away from the flock. In order for the lamb that keeps wandering away to learn to stay with the flock, the shepherd uses his staff and actually breaks one of legs of the lamb.  Then he splints the leg and carries the little one over his shoulders for a good bit of the healing time required. </span></p>
<p>The lamb is carried this way as they go about the daily life of whatever sheep and their shepherd do.  All the while a special bond is being made.</p>
<p>When the day comes that the shepherd removes the splint from the leg of the lamb, the purpose of what may seem to be an abusive act comes into focus.</p>
<p>That little lamb will NEVER wander away from his shepherd again!  In fact he now gleefully leaps about in the area near the shepherd.  The very hand that had caused his pain, comforted him through it, lovingly cared for him, and gave him a real appreciation for all that the shepherd provides.</p>
<p>So now, when you read in the book of Isaiah &#8221; All we like sheep go astray, each to his own way&#8221;, and the LORD is the keeper of them all, I hope that you will remember this illustration.</p>
<p>There is a reason for our pain.  If we won&#8217;t stop wandering away, the shepherd will pursue our closeness in some other way.  That&#8217;s just how much He longs to be close to us.  Isn&#8217;t that neat?</p>
<h3  class="related_post_title">Related Posts</h3><ul class="related_post"><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/good-friday-poem/" title="Good Friday Poem">Good Friday Poem</a></li><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/imperfect-perfection/" title="Imperfect Perfection">Imperfect Perfection</a></li><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/crashed-and-turned/" title="Crashed and Turned">Crashed and Turned</a></li></ul>]]></content:encoded>
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		<title>Weathering the Storm</title>
		<link>http://ellen5e.com/p/weathering-the-storm-2/</link>
		<comments>http://ellen5e.com/p/weathering-the-storm-2/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 18 Feb 2008 04:55:00 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>ellen5e</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[LIFE]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Ponderings]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Spirit]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[trial]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Bible]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Christian]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Ellen5e]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[God]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jonah]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[mission]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[plans]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[surgery]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[Right now the wind is really howling outside my office window. It makes me think about the storms of life and about the sermon at church today. The sermon was about Jonah and how he hired a boat to take him in the opposite direction of where God had told him to go. Jonah understood [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><a href="http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:6KzUJxxoBCslyM:http://blog-by-the-sea.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/rembrandts_storm.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 140px; height: 192px;" src="http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:6KzUJxxoBCslyM:http://blog-by-the-sea.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/rembrandts_storm.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />
<span style="font-family: arial;">Right now the wind is really howling outside my office window. It makes me think about the storms of life and about the sermon at church today.</span></p>
<p>The sermon was about Jonah and how he hired a boat to take him in the opposite direction of where God had told him to go.  Jonah understood that God was telling him to go to Ninevah to give them the message to repent from their great wickedness and that God would then show mercy on them.  Jonah understood, but that is not what he wanted.  He wanted God to punish their evil, not show mercy.  So when faced with doing something other than what he knew he should do, Noah ran away.</p>
<p>How many times does that happen to you? You have already set your course and God throws a Ninevah assignment at you.</p>
<p>What did happen to Jonah?  Well, the poor sailors that were transporting him were threatened by the very same tremendous storm that God brought up to stop Jonah&#8217;s defiance.  Once it was revealed that it was Jonah&#8217;s fault that they were in danger, the sailors asked Jonah what they must do to appease God&#8217;s wrath.  Jonah instructed them to throw him into the turbulent sea.</p>
<p>You see, Jonah would rather die than just tell the sailors to turn the boat around and sail to Ninevah.  But God kept pursuing Jonah and helped him complete His assignment by providing alternate transportation in the form of a giant fish that swallowed Jonah whole.</p>
<p>Swallow a man whole you say?  There isn&#8217;t a fish that big.  Well, my God is the God of all creation and I believe that His Word is true, so I believe that He did send that giant fish on a mission of its own.  I would imagine that the fish wasn&#8217;t real keen on swallowing this guy, but at least he obeyed.</p>
<p>So three days of pondering in the belly of that great fish probably had some impact on Jonah&#8217;s acceptance of the mission.  And the fact that when he was spit out by the fish, it was onto the shore of the land God had told him to travel in the first place&#8230; well, that should have been a major clue. No matter what YOU want, it&#8217;s what God says that needs to get done.</p>
<p>So here are some questions to ponder:<br />
What assignment have you been sent on with which you have refused to comply?<br />
Why not just do it?  Fear&#8230;. stuborness&#8230; inconvenience&#8230; pride?<br />
Do you see sudden storms or alternate routes arise due to your defiance or denial of who is <span style="font-style: italic;">really</span> in charge?<br />
What is it going to take for you to accept the mission?</p>
<p><strong>As I am about to go through another surgery</strong>, I am viewing it as an assignment.  I am laying aside what I was striving to do:  &#8220;I NEED to get a paying job, do more for my family, pay endless bills, clean up my office, update my computer, clean up the clutter and prepare our taxes.&#8221;</p>
<p>Yep, it&#8217;s time to turn this ship around . . . it&#8217;s going to be God&#8217;s way.  I&#8217;ve never been very keen on the smell of fish.</p>
<h3  class="related_post_title">Related Posts</h3><ul class="related_post"><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/turning-the-page/" title="Turning the Page ">Turning the Page </a></li><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/imperfect-perfection/" title="Imperfect Perfection">Imperfect Perfection</a></li><li><a href="http://ellen5e.com/p/crashed-and-turned/" title="Crashed and Turned">Crashed and Turned</a></li></ul>]]></content:encoded>
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