Without a Leg to Stand On

Surgery Discription
Originally uploaded by Ellen5e

The last few days have been really tough. I always have chronic pain, so I usually have a pretty high pain threshold. However, this latest surgery has ground me down more than any previous. Since I have had extra time awake in the middle of the night, I have used the time for closer examination of this phenomena. Why is this time so different?

Almost all of the other 39 surgeries have involved my LEFT ankle, foot, leg, knee. As a result I have gotten very good at making left-favoring body accommodations. While favoring my left side, I balance and make micro adjustments with my right side of my body, where there are no fusions or limitations to keep me from doing so.

Here is the crux of the problem. Now, that the RIGHT foot had to be operated on due to biomechanical changes resulting from all that unnatural gaiting and balancing, the LEFT foot simply cannot offer the same kind of support to the right, as the right has done for the left. It doesn’t seem fair, does it?

I can hear my right foot now. “Oh sure, I’m there standing right beside you for all those dozens of surgeries, picking up your slack; supporting you. Then, the ONE time I need a little help, you wimp out on me! What’s up with that?!” lol

It is by trying to play peacemaker to these two feet of mine that I learn that I have been just as guilty of not understanding the true nature of the problem. It is so easy to “blame” someone else, or to take on false guilt myself. I “should” be doing more. I “must’ve” done something wrong. Nope, I must examine what is really “true.” What is that?

These are the facts: 21 years ago I was struck by a car which changed the direction of my physical capabilities forever. There are things that I will NEVER be able to do again on this earth. There are things that I dreamed of doing, that I will never get to do, period. The sooner I face those facts, the better.

Because I am allergic to all the pain meds that most people can take for relief, I am not able to receive the relief from Chronic pain that many people have come to expect from modern medicine. Though I feel entitled, the fact is, I am not. This “thorn in my flesh” is mine. God only knows why. But, whatever the reason, I do trust Him. In a sick kind of way, I am honored. For God’s Word says that He will never give us more than we can endure. He has a whole lot more faith in my abilities than I do.

I’ve just returned from the follow-up appointment with the surgeon. Dr. Karl Raynor explained to my husband and I exactly what he did in there. He also showed us the x-rays. There is a bunch of swelling and bruising, but no infection. YEAH!

Recovery is underway. It will take some time, but I will get through it and be stronger on the other side. But, for now, it’s just one step at a time on this journey of life.

If you click HERE you will see more photos of the foot up close and they are not for weak stomachs.

No Voice! No Choice!

Wow! My husband Steve and I have just emerged from one of the worst bouts of flu virus that we’ve had in a long while. He complained of a sore throat a week ago Thursday and then did the unthinkable. He actually came home early from work on Friday because he was so ill. The sore throat took away the voice. The fever and aches made one miserable. To top it off, the lethargy robbed us of any productivity.

Our full-time job became taking care of one another. Whoever went to the kitchen brought back a cup of tea with honey, chicken noodle soup, or Gatorade for the other. Mutual suffering, it was pathetically romantic. As I was about a day and a half later in coming down with this virus, I am the last to get back to 100%, nonetheless, I am at a good 90% tonight. If God blesses me with another hard night of sleep, I believe that I will “come into His house with singing” [Psalm 100] tomorrow morning as we celebrate the Lord’s Day at Gray Road. Tomorrow is our special Thanksgiving celebration at the church. So it feels even better to get to go with revitalized health.

This week without being able to use my voice, much at all, gave me a lot of “quiet time”. It was truly frustrating to not be able to just call up friends or family, or as I had to croak over the phone when my husband called from work. It made me think about how very much I am thankful for the voice that God has given me. How much I have taken it for granted. Those of you who really know me, know that I am rarely at a loss for words and am very creative at drawing word pictures and illustrations when communicating. So having this “fountain” shut down for the week went from being just pure pain and frustration, to an unexpected opportunity for me to “be still and know that He is God.”

Without my voice, I was unable to ask questions. That was weird. It seems that I am a very curious person who is always wanting more details and understanding. Okay. So I learned to just accept it as it is. Don’t question it. Take it as it’s presented. If I don’t understand it, well, then, maybe it’s not important that I do so. Let it roll. Whatever… next!

Therefore, the lesson I learned this week with no voice:
No Choice with No Voice but to listen to that which is presented, and just accept it, as is, or NOT. I have the choice to either file it away for later inquiries, or just toss it aside. I don’t HAVE to understand every little thing. That’s a freedom that I didn’t realize that I needed to experience which came to me through the imprisonment of my voice for a week. All in all, a pretty short trial for such a valuable insight.