ellen5e.com » mood http://ellen5e.com Blogging about my 5 E's Sat, 08 May 2010 05:23:19 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 en hourly 1 Imperfect Perfection http://ellen5e.com/p/imperfect-perfection/ http://ellen5e.com/p/imperfect-perfection/#comments Tue, 10 Nov 2009 05:18:21 +0000 ellen5e http://ellen5e.com/?p=515 qv_report_cardYou know what?  I am NOT perfect. Surprise!  Yet, one of my personal struggles is with the character defect of perfectionism. I could even go so far to say that it is a sin, but I don’t know that I chose so much to act this way as it is a natural bent that has plagued my Type A, constantly pushing for the best, way of doing things.

Either way I see it as both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand I can say that this perfectionism has given me the “eye” for detail. I can generally tell with a quick glance if something is amiss, awry or off-kilter. This especially comes in handy when I am rendering a drawing or painting that is realistic. It also gives those I work for the assurance that I am going to give great attention to the accuracy and detail of a job. I am by nature highly motivated, driven to do the best I can, and determined to see a task through to the end.

So what’s the downside? I am the most critical of my own work. It was so bad when I was younger that I couldn’t keep any of my own paintings because I would look at it and see something that was a bit off or could have been done better. As a runner, I would always strive to go further, go faster. As a daughter, wife or friend I would do everything to be the “best”.  Oh, I was what some would call an overachiever, a competitor that didn’t know when to quit. Why? Because, I felt that my best was NEVER good enough.

It was in college, working for the Department of Graphic Communications Chair (he was also a perfectionist) that I learned a bit of a trick in fighting this troubling trait. He told me, “If the client likes it, it is good enough.”  Never mind that you think it would be better this way, in these colors or whatever. If my job is to produce a piece that the client likes, then the moment he says “that’s good,” it IS good. Period.

Wow!  What a revelation. Just by proclaiming something good, it IS good. There really is such a thing as “Good Enough”.  What a concept.

As I am currently struggling with some physical challenges right now, I have been forced to look at the increased frustrations and disappointment associated with the realization that I simply cannot do what “normal” people can expect to do. Nor, even, what I could do myself in years previous. I am starting to have those thoughts of not measuring up. Maybe those who used to love me will tire of me and discard me as “a problem” or “broken” and unable to be “fixed”.

However, these are feelings that I cannot trust. These feelings would have me believe that I am what I do; that it is my performance that determines my worth. You know what I am learning? (Not that I have attained a full working degree of mastery here, yet).  I am learning that these thoughts based on feeling are untrustworthy. Lies!

My value really is not based on what I can or cannot do. It is not based on quotas of projects completed, grades, money earned or invested. It is not based on if my hair is styled just so, or if I am wearing the latest clothing fashion. My value is not even determined on if my husband or child is pleased with my cooking or even if they are angry with me.

No. None of that is the real basis of my value. What I believe to be true as I study my Bible (if only my feelings would grasp that truth more) is that my value comes not from what I DO, or to what degree of perfection I perform, but from WHOSE I am.

I believe wholeheartedly in the Truth of God’s Word which declares I am a child of God. He loved me even when I was at my all time, absolute, disgustingly worst. When I came to acknowledge my absolute inability to even approach anywhere near a degree of perfection when it came to dealing with such an awesome and Holy God, I all but melted away.

It was then, at my most imperfect, that God lifted my face to look into His. He invited my broken spirit to be mended by His Holy Spirit.  He let the love of Jesus Christ do the perfecting for me. WOW!!

Right now, as I struggle related to chronic pain, fatigue and even Foreign Accent Syndrome I must face the fact that these are major hurdles that are guaranteed to keep me from normal goals of excellence. In working with these difficulties  I am finding that nasty old bent toward perfectionism rearing it’s ugly head again. This time, thanks to God’s promises which sustain me, I am learning to say, “Yes. I am a failure. Yes, I have messed up. Yes, I cannot do this under my own power.”

These very thoughts that in the past were used to try to depress me to the point of being totally ineffective are now the very same thoughts that I can accept and answer. “Though each one of those accusations is true. All those imperfections are present in me…but..’I AM doing my best. And (here is the real gem)… GOD LOVES ME ANYWAY!”

This really is too wonderful for me to understand. It is not by denying my failures, or pretending they do not exist, that I find peace. Rather, it is by embracing the fact that it is despite my imperfections that I can enjoy the bliss of perfect love and acceptance of my Blessed Savior.  SELAH.

Do you know this peace too? It really is perfect.

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]]> http://ellen5e.com/p/imperfect-perfection/feed/ 2 Growing Pains http://ellen5e.com/p/growing-pains/ http://ellen5e.com/p/growing-pains/#comments Tue, 15 Jul 2008 01:21:00 +0000 ellen5e http://ellen5e.com/p/growing-pains/

Today I was commenting on another Christian brother’s blog post in which he shared his frustration and discouragement of not knowing where he “fit in”. I decided my response would be worthy of posting on my own blog. So here you are –

Well my little Brother in Christ… you are Growing UP!!

All of us are born into this world with that big vacancy that only God can fill. We ALL try to fill it with substitutes from time to time… even AFTER we’re “saved”. That’s our sinful human nature. Pride wants us to take the credit for solving all the problems, wielding all the power, and controlling all that there is to control.

What you have been, and are now, experiencing is called growing pains. I am NOT attempting to minimize the pain and frustration that you’ve been enduring. Rather, I am just trying to congratulate you for your acknowledging it.

As good ol’ Dr. Phil says, “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” However, there is a more dependable source than even the smart doctor: the Holy Scriptures state that “fear is the beginning of understanding”.

Let’s face it, one of our greatest trials can be fear. Fears often cause us to get off-balance, and then before we regain our composure something ELSE comes along. We get HAMMERED by fear.

I believe that Satan feeds on our fears. That little Devil gains great joy when we beat ourselves up. “Why do I keep doing things wrong? Why doesn’t anybody want to BE with me? Why am I such a problem? What good am I doing? Maybe they’d be better off without me. Maybe I’ll just stay home. I wouldn’t have had any fun anyway. . .

Soon, we can find ourselves isolated, lonely, and depressed. That is far from God’s plan for us to be: connected and involved with people, and living lives full of blessings and victory over trials and problems. Fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and faithfulness, gentleness and self-control… that’s what God wants for us. And He provides the means if we just look to Him as the source.

And then there’s the concern of those of us who are “people pleasers”. “What are THEY going to THINK?” “They’re going to be: mad at me, disappointed, hurt… They’ll think I’m ugly, nerdy, goofy, stupid, a fool, a burden…”

Do you see it? The way Satan gets us to focus on ME. If he can convince me to focus on myself and how terrible I am; then he will succeed in keeping me from doing the very thing I am here for. I am here to show God’s love to others and to allow God’s love to come to me through others. When the love of God is allowed to flow through and to me… then and only then do I get to feel the joy of purpose.

That is how I can be joyful even during times of trouble. Jesus promised a helper. He NEVER lies. The Holy Spirit ministers to me through other people. And I am allowed to minister to others in the same way. See 2 Cor.1:3-7 :D

“Perfect love casts out fear,” so to obtain “the peace that passes understanding” allow yourself to turn to the comfort found in His Holy Word. By examining the truths that God reveals; we are better equipped to recognize the lies that try to present themselves as truths.

I started out with this being an encouragement to a brother. But as much as I have seen Satan’s handiwork in action lately.. I think I’m going to actually blog this as well.

In the meantime, Brother, I hope that you will be strengthened as you focus on calling the “stinkin’ thinkin’
flat=out lies! God said that you are His adopted child and there is nothing that anyone can do to take you from His hand.

God’s Word is TRUTH and it says in Romans 8 — “(38) For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, nor heavenly rulers, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, (39) neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

And WHEN (not IF) I get beaten up on the Battlefield of the Mind, I must quit going on the offense and take a defensive stance. All I have to do is get behind that Shield that God has given to me… the battle is the Lord’s and He is my Deliverer. So sometimes I just need to acknowledge that I NEED Him. Then I just need to fully rely on Him, having faith that He is control of it all. . . that His way is the Best way.

Psalm 119:114 –”You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your Word.”

In closing, I would just like to:
Exalt the Savior – He is in control
Equip the Saints – Study His words to fight lies with truth
Edify the Body – remember You are not alone
Examine myself – this advice for you is also reminder for me
Evangelize – let’s press on and share what we learn : )

With love, Ellen5e

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